The Phoenix Cycle
by sparkymuffin
Summary: How is it possible that two people who love each other so much, can treat each other so badly? Callie and Arizona each need to face their individual mistakes and reclaim what they have lost before trying again at romance. Each chapter told from a different perspective. AU now from s10 ep3 onwards.
1. Arizona

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N:** this is my first fanfiction ever... I read way too much of the stuff and I think it's time I gave something back. I have no beta so any grammatical, structural or spelling mistakes are mine. I'm also typing on the iPad. Constructive criticism is welcome. I'd like to see if there is any interest in this story. I am a diehard Calzona fan.. So while there may be some crackfic pairings ultimately calzona is endgame.

...

Arizona woke up after spending an energetic night with her intern. She had a tall lanky blond wrapped around her. A horrible feeling of guilt sat, like a lead ball in her stomach. Having sex with Leah was comforting at the time, but, in the light of the next morning it felt empty. It just made her miss Callie more. Leah didn't have Callie's smile or laugh. She didn't know Arizona's body the way Callie did. She didn't make Arizona's heart sing. Still... Callie had made her intentions perfectly clear. She had refused couples therapy, declared Arizona dead at the hospital fundraiser and then promptly kicked her out of her apartment. It was blatantly clear that Callie wanted nothing to do with her and was moving on with her life. Arizona was plainly going to have to do that too.

The attention Leah gave her was flattering. Leah worshiped her, that felt good. Leah was also lost, desperately alone and craving for attention. Arizona could give her that attention.

After months of being the hospital, 'cripple' and 'whore' it was so refreshing to have someone see her as something worth seeing. Someone attractive. Someone not, "weighed in the balance and found wanting." When Leah looked at her... she felt like the old her. The hardcore paeds surgeon who had women lining up for her. Not just some 'cripple'.

Arizona felt a familiar sensation... that of self loathing. It had started many years ago when she had lost Tim, and she had buried it in work and one night stands. Now that she had lost a leg, people weren't so interested in her. Hell she could barely look at her leg without wanting to vomit. She hated herself, but in a weird way she also had a lot of respect for herself. She wasn't someone who needed rescuing. She was a good man in a storm. Maybe she should have died on that plane. But... here's the thing... Arizona was ultimately a pragmatist. She wasn't dead... however much she and Callie might wish it, she was alive. It was time to start living again. If that meant a string of one night stands with Leah, and whoever else was interested in her, so be it. At least Leah was there, paying Arizona attention. God knows the only other people who showed any respect for Arizona was April and Alex. She didn't have any urge to sleep with them. Alex was too broody...and..male, so that was an immediate 'no no'; and April was too straight and far too perky. Although it did touch her deeply that they were staying her friend. That gave her hope.

Dark, brooding thoughts aside, Arizona gently extricated herself from Leah's body and put a pot of coffee on to brew. It was time for work. She had a shower and got dressed and quietly shut the door behind her. She had tiny humans to save.


	2. Callie

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N**: Just want to say a thank-you so much for your reviews, follows and favorites...you guys made my day. Thank you also for your supportive, constructive comments. I'm here to learn and hopefully entertain, so I will take your advice on board. I do definitely intend to write longer chapters in the future it just felt right to keep these short, in order to keep the story progressing, and my mind unscrambled. With regard to grammar, I'll do my best. I am dyslexic..so my writing style may be unintentionally unique. I may eventually need a beta. Also... does anyone have any idea how old Sophia is? I'm guessing about 2? I can never keep up with the GA timeline. I think it has its own continuum.

Anyway...

...

Callie groaned as she patted the other side of the bed simultaneously waking herself up and frowning at herself for having searched for Arizona while she slept. That, would have to stop, she thought anxiously, flopping back into her sheets. Did Cristina have any tips for how to stop looking for someone in your sleep? If anyone would know it would be Cristina or maybe Meredith, she should ask them today. Could she see a psychologist, now she was a new women reclaiming her life? She should see a psychologist. That's what people do when the person they love the most rips there heart out. Callie sighed, she was trying so hard, why did it feel like things were so horrible and insecure. She had taken the first step and seized her apartment back, and then started dancing. That was the plan, and she had followed it. So why did it feel like she was faking it. _Because__ you are..._ a small sneaky voice whispered in the back of her head. _Dancing in your_ stolen apartment_ isn't going to fix the fact that you are destined to be alone. __You are nothing, everyone leaves you, she left you_, the voice continued. She slammed the voice down. 'Stupid catholic guilt, I don't need you', she thought to herself.

Coffee, that was the answer, that was the cure for all the rotten things in life: coffee and alcohol. Unfortunately, alcohol wasn't an option as she was both on call and in charge of Sophia so..she would brew that coffee. It was also time to make breakfast for her daughter. Routine, that's how she would survive this. She got up, had a quick shower, hurriedly dried herself off and then threw a wrap around herself and a towel around her hair and went to check on her daughter.

Sofia was up and trying to climb out of her crib. She was still too small to do so, but Sofia was growing up so fast. Soon Callie would have to get her a bed. Sofia looked up and stared at her mother, "Where's mama, where's Zona?", she asked.

"Mommy's here mija, how about a cuddle?" She knew she was avoiding her daughter's question, but at the moment she was not in the right mindframe to deal with anything even remotely related to Arizona.

It hurt, even as she hugged Sophia it stung like an acid burn. Ever since Callie had gotten her apartment back and moved out of Meredith and Derrick's place Sofia had been asking for her other mother. But since Callie had kicked her out, Arizona no longer had stable enough environment for her to warrant access. Arizona had stopped being allowed to see Sofia, until she had more appropriate living arrangements. It had been a week, now. It was mean but she felt no guilt. Arizona deserved it. She had cheated on her while at the hospital with that horrible women. Arizona had done that while there child was in daycare, at the same hospital! As far as Callie was concerned, her cheating, slut, bitch of a wife could burn. However her heart still broke when she heard Sofia. She felt guilty for separating Sophia from Arizona, not the other way around. Arizona had a natural way with children. As soon as Arizona laughed or picked a child up they were calm. When she smiled her dimples charmed anyone who looked at them. Her nasty, manipulative dimples. How she loathed those dimples.

Coffee and breakfast, yes? She must stop thinking about Arizona. She needed to feed herself and Sofia and get Sofia clean and dressed. She also needed to dress herself and then finally check on things at the hospital. It was so complicated with just one. It had been so comfortable at Meredith and Derrick's house, she had almost become complacent in the 'getting ready morning dance'. This morning however it felt like there was zero time. She started to cook scrambled eggs for herself and poured out a glass of milk for Sofia to drink. She strapped Sofia in her pink and green polkadoted booster seat which could be strapped to any chair. Arizona's choice, pastels and dots. She would get a new chair this week.

When the eggs were ready she flipped hers and Sofia's servings onto two plates and chopped Sophia's portion into tiny, bite sized pieces. Sofia was a fairly independent eater but she still needed to remember to chew. Callie poured out her cup of coffee. Ah, coffee, the drink of gods. The dark beverage oozed down her throat, hitting all the right places. Her pager beeped impatiently in the background, sighing she got up to check. It was Owen.

**"Emergency at the hospital, all on call staff needed urgently. Callie to report to the ER immediately."**

Damn it! She hadn't even finished her coffee. They could wait 30 minutes. Sofia hadn't gotten halfway through her breakfast. Man, she could never get a break.


	3. Leah

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N: **This story seems to be writing itself. I think I'm just going to go with it. Apparently I seem to want each character to write a different chapter to tell the story. Game of thrones is not influencing me in that decision in any way...I'm posting this now because tomorrow is a full on work day. I may not get to update.

Please do not be afraid of providing criticism or reviews. It helps. It makes me smile. It doesnt offend Xox.

...

The beeping from her pager woke Leah up. Not sure of her surroundings she looked around trying to locate where the sound was coming from. It seemed to be coming from her pants which were thrown haphazardly on the floor, on the other side of the room. Her other clothes strewn around the room. Memories of the previous evening flooded her senses. Limbs entwined, breath hot and desperate, lips needy she remembered. Hot damn Arizona was amazing, she had blown her mind! Even if the women was embarrassed that she had only one leg, there was apparently no scientific reason for any performance anxiety. It had been by far the best sex Leah had ever had, and Leah had had a lot of sex. Leah was used to being overlooked. With a mother more interested in her boyfriends then her own child, Leah had practically raised herself, first school and then medschool, always on the outer, always overlooked. Her abrupt, haughty manner seeming to put people off. In reality she was not 'up herself,' but incredibly shy and uncertain about herself and her place in the world. She had eventually found a way of getting attention though... especially from authority figures. Her body, and her intellect: two facilities that never let her down. It was different with Arizona though. Arizona seemed to see her as she was. When Arizona looked at her it was with interest and with kindness. Leah could not work the women out. After telling her to lower her expectations that afternoon, Arizona had then done an abrupt 180 degree turn about that evening and left a message on her phone. Leah had answered, immediately. Boy, had she answered. A vaguely uneasy feeling arose in her. Arizona had been so passionate, almost desperate, but she hadn't once looked Leah in the eye. Instead she had slammed her against the wall, ripped her clothes off, thrown her on the bed and turned the lights out. Arizona had waited till the lights were out before removing her prosthetic. She had then proceeded to wear Leah out. The women had stamina, that's for sure. Arizona had also left the apartment before Leah woke up. Arizona was so considerate, letting Leah sleep in. It was nice to have a girlfriend who cared about her.

Why was Arizona so shy about her body though? She was amazing and confident, even if she made very little eye contact. Who needed legs when they had fingers, and tongues? What a night! Wait... was it sex or did they make love? It sure felt like love. A huge grin appeared on Leah's face as she bounded out of bed to read her message she reflected that it was nice to be loved.

**Emergency at the hospital, all on call staff needed urgently. Leah to report to Dr Kepner immediately.**

Sighing, Leah hurriedly gathered her clothes, and got into them. She would have to shower and change and find a bite to eat for breakfast at the hospital vending machine. Doing the walk of shame from the hotel to the hospital, Leah shyly approached the entrance to her workplace. She was not looking forward to the walk to the residents quarters. Still she was in luck. No one appeared to notice her as she changed into her scrubs and lab coat after a quick shower. Maybe there was time for a coffee, or two. Arizona seemed to like coffee...and Leah really liked Arizona. She had better get a move on, Kepner did not like to be kept waiting.


	4. April

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. If you think the rating needs a change please let me know. All mistakes are mine.

**A/****N.** Thankyou for your follows and comments. Also anyone thinking about writing fanfic ... Go for it.

**Warning** for possible triggers from implied drug use and car accidents in this chapter.

...

April sighed as she took up her place at the centre of the trauma station, ensuring charts were in order and organising staff. Emergency service workers were bringing more and more patients in, many of them children. The ER room was steadily filling up. This was going to be a long day. A tragedy had occurred. A truck driver, transporting produce to a local factory, had worked far too many shifts and ahd decided to substitute meth-amphetamine for sleep. In his exhausted state he had tried to run a red light and had subsequently collided with a school bus transporting the schools middle school baseball team to an early morning game. Nine students were injured. Their coach was on life support, and the bus driver had died on the way to hospital. The truck driver was currently in a coma. Of everyone, ironically he seemed in the best condition. Additionally three cars had been caught in the accident as the semi trailer swerved out of control, injuring another seven. Two of the car passengers had died and one driver was currently fighting for her life on the operating table. Most of them had not been wearing their seat belts. April didn't get it. So much time and effort had been put into ensuring that school buses had safety belts and yet no one was willing to make the students to wear them, and as for the cars... the one person who had worn a seatbelt was now fighting desperately for her life in OR2 as Bailey and Yang stuggled to stabilise her. She may have saved her three children's lives though, as she had strapped her kids in safely and kept them in the back seat. Sometimes Jesus didn't make sense. How could he let something like this happen?

Looking down at her beeper, she once again paged Doctor Torres, they was going to need her. Where was she? A page had been sent over an hour ago. It was not like Callie to be late. While she thought about it where was that intern, Leah? Did Leah want to have a complaint against her, if so she was going the right way about it.

She directed the nurses and a couple of the interns to triage and treat the patients as they came in. Well, the interns really. The nurses knew what they were doing.

There were a lot of broken bones. Broken bones and small broken bodies. Hopefully the hospital could work hard to ensure that this didn't become a bigger tragedy then it already was. She sighed. Why didn't they make it law to wear seat belts in cars? It would lighten her job considerably. This was such a waste. She hated waste. She had to stop thinking about seat belts, and waste. April tended to fixate on certain details when she was sleep deprived. This was not the time for daydreaming. She still had to sort out details such as the ids of the injured. The parents of the children were in the process of being contacted. April was also trying to reach the school to obtain a roster and varify the patients identities. She also had to let the next of kin know. Those who could be called had been, but some remained uncontactable. She had no time to ruminate on seat belts or interns, or waste. A certain intern who worked nearby Dr Avery, caused her to frown momentarily. Talk about waste.

Doctor Robbins and Doctor Karev in the meanwhile were consulting over a badly injured boy. The boy was in a critical condition. He appeared to be between the ages of 12-14. It was hard to tell. However old he was- it was too young for something like this.

Finally Doctor Torres arrived, looking frazzled. She approached April.

"What happened here?".

"A truck driver collided with a bus and wiped out three cars in the process. Doctor Robbin's needs you for a consult on that young John Doe, immediately." April filled her in on the details.

Callie headed over to the boy. Alex had now moved onto the next patient, leaving Arizona alone with the boy. April took a moment to relax. The calm before the storm. It seemed as if Doctor Robbins and Doctor Torres might actually be able to work together without killing each other.

They were communicating! That was really good. From the corner of the room she saw Leah approach. Two steaming plastic coffee cups with lids on them in her hand. She was making a beeline for Arizona, her wide grin changing to a grimace as she took in the scene. April wasn't exactly sure what was going on in that little 'shituation' but she was sure it wasn't good. She watched in horror as Leah sidled over to Arizona positioning herself just a little too closely to Arizona to examine to the patient. The girl was trying to flirt! Openly and in front of Callie. Did Leah have a death wish?

"I brought you coffee," she said to Arizona.

"Thanks Leah, that was really thoughtful of you."

"Pleasure is all mine", Leah whispered in her ear, loudly enough for April to hear. If April could hear... that meant. It was official, Leah was suicidal. How soon was too soon to run interference?

April watched as Callie's eyes grew to the size of saucers. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it. Her hands were going white, and her face was turning red. Now would be a good time to do something. She gulped. Yep. Definitely. Now. She nodded to herself and then headed on over.


	5. Arizona - II

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N: **so an extra short chapter just too keep the pace up. I figure if I'm writing short chapters I should at least update frequently. Thank-you for sticking with me, and your comments.

..

Arizona cringed. This was not a good situation to be in. This was in fact a very, very **bad** situation to be in. Morally Arizona knew she was not in the wrong but technically she was. She was still married to Callie even if they were well and truly broken up. However what were the rules when someone declared you dead? What were the rules when someone thought you were a burden and advised Miranda Bailey to leave her fiancé at the alter before it was too late? What were the rules in a marriage where she had always felt she was a second class citizen to Mark Sloan? There were no rules. That fact, however did little to diminish the red hot death stares Callie was shooting at herself and Leah. Callie didn't appear to see things her way. Leah just looked frightened.

What was it with newborns? She must stop encouraging newborns. It only lead to trouble. No matter how cute they were. No matter how much they called out to Arizona's 'white knight' instinct. Newborns were trouble. She nodded to herself, ignoring the puzzled looks from Leah and Callie.

"Something you want to share?" Callie broke into her thoughts, her tone icy.

"Yes, this patient needs immediate attention we need to perform urgent surgery to stop the internal bleeding in his spleen, Leah, could you book an OR room immediately? Arizona asked.

"Um, er.." Leah stammered, "Jo's coming this way, I'd rather learn from you, I'll just ask her and, um... I'll be right back."

She returned a moment later. "Its done!".

Was Leah suicidal? She had been nice to Leah, so why, on earth had Leah done this? Did Leah hate her. Did Leah even realise how easy it was to make Callie jealous and cantankerous? Of course she didn't. Leah was like a big, bounding, clueless puppy. She needed to get Leah out of there fast, before things got really nasty. Callie's possessive streak had once been endearing, flattering and sexy as hell, back when they were still a loving couple. When they were happy. Now it was positively frightening, and she thought rebelliously, it was also quite off-putting and vaguely insulting. It was getting hot in here. She needed air. What was her exit strategy? As the child of a marine she had been taught to have an exit strategy.

**Damn it, there was no fucking exit strategy!**

No escape... not with nine critically injured children, in need of immediate attention. She would have to do the 'Tim routine' and brazen it out. Fortunately April seemed to be heading her way. Since the fundraiser the two had formed an unlikely friendship, spending most nights together hanging out and watching pixar movies and getting tipsy together.

Arizona needed to act.

"Doctor Murphy, would you please assist Doctor Kepner in any way she requires?". Fortunately April caught on quick. She did have something that required immediate attention.

"Doctor Murphy, the patient in bed three requires an urgant supply of RH-negitive blood, while we all appreciate your, _willingness to learn_, surely you can see that we need all hands on deck?" Kepner folded her arms and looked at Murphy, seemingly attempting to will her away by thought. "Well?!" Kepner walked back to the trauma nurses station, to pick up a chart, handing over to Murphy. "Thats your new patient, hop to it Doctor Murphy." Kepner walked over to the patient in bed five and stoped to examine the monitor.

Leah finally snapped out of whatever daydream was currently occupying her and scurried off, leaving Arizona and Callie alone. This was still a bad situation probably made worse by the fact that Arizona took the opportunity to have a rather large swig of her coffee.

"God I love coffee? Did you know that coffee actually prevents dementia?" Arizona asked Callie.

Callie arched her eyebrow, snorted, and continued to sullenly stare at Arizona, muttering something about dimpled gringas before turning her attention back to her patient. Boy, this was going to be a **long **shift.


	6. Callie - II

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N**: Maybe I should have called this story "Phoenix: Crash and Burn" cause thats what I'm doing. I may rename this story, "The Pheonix Cycle". Don't worry guys, Calzona will be okay in the end. Its just gong to be a long and painful journey back to each other. I owe it to them not to make this easy.

I'm not trying to make Callie a 'possessive jealous monster villain', she's not one. I love her. I love Arizona. I love them together, it breaks my heart that they are not. I can't be nice to anyone here though, except maybe Kepner.

Thank you for your reviews. Good and bad I love them all. They make this story better.

...

Callie couldn't believe this was happening. She was stunned into silence and could only impotently look on to this train wreck that was happening in front of her eyes, and she wasn't thinking about the traffic pileup that was swelling the ER room either. Was this pale stick insect trying to flirt with her wife, in front of her? Who does that? She needed to focus on her patient, and control her breathing. The boy was in a bad condition. He had multiple fractures, all over his body, and a rib seemed to have ruptured his spleen. He needed immediate attention. That spleen needed to be removed, or he would bleed out.

Arizona appeared to be nodding to herself. That was weird. Why was her wife being weird?

"Something you want to share", Callie asked Arizona, quite politely in her opinion. What the hell was going on? Why hadn't Arizona told the intern off yet. It was obvious she was uncomfortable, and Leah was being quite unprofessional. How had she passed her exam?

Interns, who needs them... they only get in the way. Interns were like children, dangerous destructive monster children, with knives... and grenades. The incompetent intern in front of her presenting as exhibit A. Why was she still here? There was more then enough to occupy every staff member on call.

"Yes," she heard Arizona reply, "this patient needs immediate attention we need to perform urgent surgery to stop the internal bleeding in his spleen, Leah, could you book an OR room immediately?" Arizona asked.

Arizona looked at Callie, "I don't think he can keep that spleen".

Ah good, so Arizona had made the same assessment of the patient that she had.

"Um, er.." the intern stammered, "Jo's coming this way, I'd rather learn from you, I'll just ask her and, um... I'll be right back."

Why was Murphy being such a baby? Had the training really deteriorated so far? She was about to tell her off when Kepner arrived and read the unfortunate child the riot act, saving Callie from having to do it herself. Which was a good thing because she was currently to preoccupied in saving the boys life to chew her out.

Arizona chose that moment to have some coffee... the coffee that the intern, had brought over...

Why hadn't she brought coffee for all of them? Unless her stupid, cheating, dimpled gringa of a wife had done it again? Had she just said that aloud? Oops. She would have to have a talk to Arizona later to find out what was going on. Oh my God! That was it, wasn't it?

Why did these things always happen to her?

...

After four hours of solidly working to save the boy they had managed to stabilise him. He had lost his spleen and two ribs and was currently being transported to the recovery unit in the children's ward. He had yet to wake up.

Scrubbing out quickly, Callie followed Arizona hastily out of the O.R room. Reaching the corridor Callie quickly caught up to Arizona. She grabbed her elbow and pulled her into the nearest on-call room. She ignored the gasp of surprise from Arizona and quickly locked the door behind them. She pushed Arizona backwards wincing at the pang of guilt in her stomach as Arizona struggled to remain balanced. Callie resisted the urge to help steady her. Arizona grasped onto a bed bunk post to regain her balance and took a moment to gather her composure. A look passed across her face. It was small but Callie noticed it. There was a quick look of guilt, and then anger before Arizona's face went blank again.

"Arizona, what the hell is going on? Why is that intern permanently attached to your rear end?" She asked.

Arizona seemed to sigh and fold into herself, struggling with some internal decision. Suddenly she breathed deeply; straightening her back, tightening her stomach, and relaxing her face. All the while, her eyes examined every inch of Callie's face. Looking for... something, anything. She sighed again.

"What's it to you, why is it any concern of yours?" A hidden question lurked beneath that sentence. Callie chose to ignore it. She took a step back, wasn't it obvious? Was Arizona dumb or something.

"I'm asking because you're my wife, we have a child!" She yelled the last part of the sentence willing Arizoma to understand.

Arizona looked down almost whispering, "You were my wife, Callie, now I'm apparently dead to you".

"So... What because of some silly thing I said at a party, to raise money, you're not going to fight for us? You're. Still. My. Wife." She punctuated that sentence with her hands.

"Callie", Arizona said gently, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. "Callie I've done nothing but fight for you since the start of our relationship. I fought for you with Mark Sloan; I fought for you when I came back from Africa; I fought for you after our car accident. I willed myself to survive that plane crash to come back to you and Sophia. I know, I've been a bitch. I've cheated on you and made many mistakes. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you so, so much. The thing is Callie, you don't seem to want me to fight for you any more. And... you definitely don't want to fight for me. Most days I expect to be served with divorce papers. So, let me ask you again, what's it to you?"

She left Callie standing in that on call room her mouth wide open, a response frozen in her throat.

The door clicked shut. Echoing the sound of Callie's heart.


	7. Arizona- III

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**Warning:** Possible triggers for grief and loss issues.

**A/N:** You may have noticed some changes. I changed the title and the blurby bit because longer represents the story I'm trying to tell. Poor Arizona and Callie. They think things are bad now?

**A/n2**: a guest reviewer pointed out that I have an unconscious bias towards Arizona. It's not unconscious, it's true and I'm aware of it. Thank you for having the courage to call me out on it, I did listen. I will work on balancing this fic out, I promise. In my opinion they are both responsible for the mess they are in. I think it's easier to target Arizona as the guilty party because she acted on her insecurities by cheating, and indeed continues to do so. Callie didn't, she just thought them.

...

Arizona had finally gotten back to her hotel room after her shift, and promptly collapsed on the grey pull-out bed. It had been an extremely trying day. She was exhausted and sad, having lost two patients today as a result of the bus crash. It wasn't fair. These children didn't deserve to die. No child ever deserved to die. It never got easier, losing a patient. It was almost worse then when she had children with teminal illness to care for. At least in those cases the children and their family's had a chance to say goodbye. They had family around them supporting them through their journey. There was some time to prepare, to grieve and to make sure the children got some wishes granted. Even if it never felt like enough could be done for them. Who was she kidding? No child should lose their life. It didn't matter the cause. Today was horrible...

Her leg was throbbing. She had been standing up for ten hours and felt terribly dirty, even though she had had a shower at the end of her shift in the hospital. She needed a bath. She had just decided to get up from her temporary bed to run herself a bath when she heard a knock at her hotel door. Who could it be at this hour? It was midnight.

Walking over to the door, she looked through the peephole. It was Callie. Maybe she had brought Sophia? That would brighten her day. She looked again. Callie hadn't. Callie knocked again. Callie looked royally pissed off. Arizona opened the door, about to say something and Callie marched in. Callie cut her off before she could say anything. She spoke as she walked her hands gesturing with short, choppy movements, stopping to turn and face Arizona in the hallway. Her eyes flitted to and from Arizona's face.

"This afternoon was not okay. You do not get to do that. You do not get to say something like that, to accuse me the way you did and then just walk out. That was not fair, what you said". Callie began. "You accused me of not caring for you, of not fighting for you, you have no right to do that."

Callie was gathering confidence as she spoke.

"Callie"... Arizona began.

"No Arizona, you said plenty this afternoon. This is my turn. I only came to say what I've got to say and then I'm leaving to go back to my place."

"Okay, so talk." Arizona looked her in the eye then, "would you like to sit down?"

"No." Callie took a deep breath, "you accused me of not fighting for you. Do you realise if I hadn't fought for you we wouldn't even have a relationship to start with because you would have run away? You judged me then. You assumed that because I was a 'newborn' that I wasn't good enough for you. I chased you, practically begged you to go out with me. And you hurt me...again and again. I took you back after Africa. You left me again, standing at the airport terminal, with my heart ripped out...then...you came back. Charged straight back into my life like you had done nothing wrong. I took you back. I forgave you. And the plane, and your stupid leg... You weren't just mean Arizona you were a monster! And during the storm once again you break my heart, you sleep with another person...".

Callie paused then. Out of breath from her outburst. Arizona remained silent, observing.

"You sleep with another person and instead of apologising about it, you try to blame me again, like you always do. Your apologies aren't even real, it's just thinly disguised blame."

Callie walked up to Arizona getting right into her personal space, "you want any remote chance with me, and I'm not promising anything..." She paused. They were close now, there noses almost touching. Arizona wasn't backing away she was just standing there stunned in the hallway.

"Arizona if you want any chance with me or our marriage you have to stop running. You have to stop blaming me for **your actions,** you have to face your grief. You have to deal with your leg. And... this bit is really important, Arizona, so pay attention. You. Have. To. Stop. Sleeping. With. Other. People!" She shouted, her index finger tapping against Arizona's heart, each time she hissed a word. "Then maybe, we might have a chance." She breathed softly.

"Okay I'm done, goodnight, I'll see myself out." Callie turned towards the door. She took one last look at Arizona and then left.

...

Arizona sat stunned, on the couch, not sure where to begin with Callie's speech. She still needed that bath. Her leg still throbbed. She went and prepared it.

As she lay in the bath she reflected on all Callie had said. She decided to deal with it more in the morning. Her leg was starting to feel better. The water was starting to cool. It was time to go to bed. She reached for the handrail. There was no handrail. She tried to get out of the bath but she couldn't she was stuck. Could she fall out of the bath and get up that way? No, that wasn't going to work. Could she drag herself out? The bath sides seemed to high. A feeling of panic arose. She was stuck. How was she going to deal with this? Callie would know what to do. She should call Callie.

No, she couldn't call Callie. Callie wanted nothing to do with her. That wasn't an option. Sighing Arizona reached for her phone. The one person she wanted the most in the world and she couldn't call. She looked down her list and made a decisive decision.

"Leah, I need you. Can you come to my hotel room and let yourself in? I'm stuck in the bath."


	8. Leah- II

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. I'm making the hotel name Arizona is staying in up - if it exists it's a coincidence. All mistakes are mine.

**A/N:** Well they have both declared there feelings but neither seems to be hearing the other...

This ones Leah's Pov. I hereby dedicate this 'ere chapter to my wife, this one was her idea over breakfast, and she's having a rotten day. It's cause of her that you're getting an extra chapter, today. Miss you, you sneaky guest reviewer you. Get a profile so I can acknowledge you lol. Xox

-To the rest of ya:

You guys are awesome. Like, super awesome.

You see what I did there? Thanks for the feedback

...

"Leah, I need you. Can you come to my hotel room and let yourself in? I'm stuck in the bath". Leah heard Arizona speak through the receiver.

"Hold on Az, what do you need me to do? Arizona I don't have a key. What's your room number again?" Leah asked. She would have to get in somehow, maybe the concierge could give her a spare key card.

"Its 558, can you come, please, I'm stuck in the bath and it's freezing?"

"Eh, ah, ill be over in 15 have to get changed. Hang on I have an idea. Can you call the concierge and tell him I'm coming round. Get him to leave a key?", Leah might not always be the best judge of people's emotions but she hadn't gotten through med school without any brains. She was smart and a good problem solver. A born surgeon, trained in risk management.

"I can do that." Arizona whispered, her teeth chattering. "Please hurry".

Leah hung up the phone. Getting the elevator downstairs, she pressed the button on her key to open it remotely.

Half an hour later she arrived at Arizonia's hotel, "Rising Star". The conciage was waiting with a bored expression. "Name?"

"It's Leah Murphy, Arizona said she'd ring to let you know I'm coming over."

"Ah yes, Miss Murphy, Room 558 for Arizona Robbins, here's your keycard".

Murphy grabbed the key and raced over to the lift, not stopping long enough to even thank the man.

She got into the lift and pushed button 5. The lift took ages to reach the fifth floor. Arizona must be a ice block by now. Letting herself into the hotel room, she reflected that it was a nice space. But very empty. Almost Spartan. Just a tiny hallway, about a metre and a half wide, a lounge chair tv and a standard size double bed. She hadn't really noticed any of the decor the last time she was her. Which was, what, yesterday morning? It felt like a week. A magical wonderful week. With her girlfriend.

She found Arizona in the bath. Her lips were faintly blue. She looked ashamed of herself.

"You got here? Oh tha-nk god you go-t here. Can you he-lp me out, I'm fr-eez-ing."

"Yeah sure." Leah tried not to stare too pointedly at her leg. So that was what it looked like. Arizona looked so drawn and small, with big purple bags under her eyes, her hair long and damp hung pathetically close to her head. This was not the amazing children's surgeon she knew. This was not the same person. This person was pale and helpless and weak.

"Here," she said , holding out a folded up white towel. The towel had been used often, a corner of it threadbear with a green stain in the corner. It had a damp smell. Like the kind she used to get as a child in Santa Monica hotels. The smell of a towel not properly washed. Everything was ugly. Arizona was watching her, from the bath. Her eyes had narrowed somewhat and she was biting the bottom corner of her lip.

"Leah could you help me out, I can't get out without you that's why I called you." her voice had gotten stronger. Leah dropped the towel on the floor and them reached down carefully, ensuring that her hand touched no part of Arizona's leg. She helped her to sit on the edge of the bath. She stared at Arizona. She stared at her leg.

"Could you bring my wheelchair, thanks?"

Leah brought her her chair.

"Can you help me into it please. It's cold. My limbs are numb, also can you please hand me my towel".

Leah picked up the towel from the floor and handed it to her. All the while not looking at her, her eyes drifting back to Arizona's leg. Arizona fumbled with her towel managing haphazardly to cover herself up.

"Thanks Leah, Leah, could you please help me into my chair?" Arizona looked up at her. Leah looked down as Arizona sat on that bath ledge shivering. Finally she reached down and grabbed Arizona's arm. Putting the brakes on she assisted Doctor Robbins as she struggled into her wheelchair.

"Thank you Leah, you really helped me today."

"You're welcome, Doctor Robbins, anything for my boss." She joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Leah?" Arizona asked.

"Yep?" She squealed.

"Could you please leave, now?"

She couldn't leave fast enough.


	9. April - II

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

...

April had been working the last ten hours. She'd been on call since 2am and many of her patients from the previous day had needed her as some of them crashed and stabilised repeatedly throughout the night. She had managed to save all of them. Now everything was quiet. She'd changed in the attendings quarters, and had, had a shower. She was feeling clean, lightheaded, hungry and exhausted. Everything was so quiet.

Her stomach grumbled. Okay so not everything. It would be a while before she got home to her flat. Barely awake, April decided it would be easier just to eat at the cafeteria. She had paged Arizona earlier but not recieved any response.

She was now used to sitting with Arizona at mealtimes. Sometimes Leah would join them, sometimes Alex. Arizona seemed to tolerate Leah, and Leah seemed lonely. Rarely sitting with her fellow interns...er.. residents. First year residents, pretty much the same as interns. She yawned. If she was going to survive the drive home she was going to need coffee.

She headed down to the cafeteria, after stopping at a coffee station along the way. Arizona should be on break by now, where was she sitting? Spying one of the interns...um... the residents, April called one over.

"Ross..."

He turned and walked over, "Yes, Doctor Kepner, can I help you today?" he asked stiffly.

April blinked, she was way too tired to deal with this formality. She shook her head, her red hair going in all directions. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Shane, can you help me, I'm looking for Doctor Robbins. She's not answering her pager".

"Doctor Robbins called in sick today, if you need a consult, Doctor Karev is on staff, ma'am." he chirped eagerly. "Would you like me to page Doctor Robbins for you?"

"No thanks, _Doctor_ _Ross_. I'm just looking for her because we usually sit at the same table.

"Oh, well she phoned in this morning. She's taken the week off." Shane informed her.

"Oh, she didn't tell me."

"She didn't tell anyone, apart from Chief Hunt and Doctor Karev. Doctor Karev took care of it."

In her tired state he looked like a shark, a chirpy, perky, cold as ice, tiger shark. She shivered. It was all in his eyes. There was something behind those eyes. Some thinly veiled secret lurking there. She took a swig of her coffee. "Well thanks, Shane. I will see you later."

Shane smiled and nodded eagerly and went to swim..er.. sit with his friends. Friends, was that group friends? They sat together most days, so they must be friends. She was usually too busy to observe them. These new residents ... her eyes drifted over to where Jackson and Stephine sat- were annoying. A feeling of absolute longing hit her and her gut responded, she felt sick. She shouldn't feel sad, sick and nauseous. She was just tired she reasoned. She had a fiancée, Matt, who shared her values. That storm had changed everything.

Purchasing a salad container from the cafeteria, April decided to go home. Sleep first then go and check on Arizona. It was not like Arizona to call in sick. She would check on her assuming she could stay alive long enough to get home. On second thoughts... No she would sleep in the on-call room, she'd work the rest of the details out later. Opening an on-call room door she flopped into bed.

She slept as soon as her head hit the pillow.

...

Later that evening April went and called on Arizona. She hadn't answered the five texts sent to her, or her pages, or answered her cell. April looked at her phone. Nope, no messages, emails or texts. April headed to the 'Rising Star Hotel', pressing the level 5 button on the lift, she quickly reached Arizona's room. She knocked on the door.

No response.

"Arizona, it's me! Answer this door or I'm going to break it down and you will owe this hotel damages, I know you're in there. I can hear you _brooding_!"

Hey, so she was bossy? It was part of her job. And now, apparently, it was also going to part of her personal life. It wasn't like she had anything else to think about...Jackson...er...Matt, yes, Matt was away on some emergency training workshop.

Lost in her thoughts, April hadn't realised that the door had creaked open. It was ajar. April stepped into the room. The room was so dark she had to stand there for a minute to adjust to the light. Arizona's room was small and suffocating. The air conditioning wasn't working, and it didn't seem like any windows were open. This was a crappy hotel.

She turned on the light.

"Ow! Warn me, why don't ya?" Arizona was sitting in the armchair in her pyjamas. She had folded up the leg of one so that it didn't drag on the floor. That was about it, as far as grooming was concerned.

"Have you been sitting here, all day?"

"I've been thinking. I couldn't sleep."

"Have you been sitting here brooding in this place _the whole day_, without sleep, Arizona?" April repeated her question.

"Yes, I had a bit of an accident last night, I'm fine now, all better, I'm just tired."

"You are so, not fine! This place is a pigsty and it doesn't look like you're eaten anything all day. This ends, tonight. Your staying with me. Until we can find you an appropriate place to live."

She looked at Arizona, her expression hard as flint.

"You're helping me pack, now _move_!"

They gathered Arizona's belongings and clothes. She didn't have much, just two suitcases and a beauty-case. They walked down to April's green sedan, parked on the street, and put all of Arizona's stuff in the boot.

"Arizona before we go home and settle you in, let's get baking supply's and ice cream and then hit the DVD store. I feel like watching 'Bridget Jones' and 'Beaches'."

"Kepner?"

"Yep?"

"That sounds like a super awesome idea." Arizona smiled then, a full dimpled signature smile. Her first since the function. They had turned around to walk to a local grocer around the corner.

"Kepner, you're a bully." Arizona deadpanned.

"Yes I am, _Robbins_!"

"Thank-you April, for everything."

"Hey, I can be your person?"

"We can be each other's person", Arizona smiled gently.

"We can be the perky sisters, once you get back your spunk", April added.

Arizona had stopped walking. She found this funny. She found this very funny. She found this so hilarious she had to sit down on a nearby bench. Arizona was laughing uncontrollably in the middle of the street, with tears streaming down her face. Her crying turned into wailing. April just sat down next to her and let her cry herself out, occasionally rubbing her back. After what felt like forever, Arizona stopped crying and brushed herself off. She looked so vulnerable. Abruptly, she seemed to shake the vulnerability off.

"So..are we getting this icecream, April, or what?"

They hit the grocery store.

"April what is your honest assessment on donuts?"

"Are you kidding, I love donuts?!"

The grocery store's electronic doors shut behind them.


	10. Arizona- IV

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

**Warning**: Depression/suicide thoughts. Dark Chapter. Don't panic no ones going to die.

_A/n_ okay so you remember when I said that things would get worse before they get better. Well that's about to happen for Arizona. She's about to hit rock bottom. But maybe not in the way you might think. I was originally going to post this chapter a bit later but I just feel I need to finish this particular Arizona arc of the story. It feels right. Lots of Callie centric stuff to follow, in the next couple of chapters. And then a slow Calzona burn. I don't know if the last chapter notified people, it didn't appear to update. - this site likes to play with me. Check out the April chapter before this or you won't know what the heck is going on.

Also, Happy Halloween. Zombies episode tomorrow. Oh my.

...

Arizona had spent the last couple of days cooped up in her room. In the time since she had moved in to April's place she had withdrawn into herself. She didn't help around the house. She rarely bathed. She let herself go. She stank now. Arizona had given up. The one person thought found her attractive had turned out to be nothing more than an illusion. When Leah had seen her she had reacted with horror. Leah had run and she had chased her away. It had hurt.

The bus accident had hurt her. Losing those children so suddenly. So abruptly. No time to prepare.

_Just like Tim_.

That week Arizona barely moved. She sat or lay down and brooded.

April was a generous soul, she let Arizona be herself. Kindly intervening and making sure Arizona ate, watched tv or cooked dinner with her. When April was not around Arizona spent a lot thinking. Dark thoughts going repetitively around her head. Names of people she had lost. Names of things she had lost. Names of places she had lost. April was worried about her but she had nothing to fear, Arizona wasn't suicidal. Arizona was already dead. She'd been dead since the plane, she just hadn't realised it.

_Nick, Tim, Callie, Sofia, Mark..._

Even Mark, Mark had eventually become a kind of brother to her. She had lost him, unable to say goodbye because she was lost in herself. She was helpless to do anything, helpless and in pain, helpless to help Callie deal with her loss.

_Nick, Tim, Callie, Sofia_.

She knew she was being silly. Callie had come and told her that she still had a chance. Arizona wasn't ready. She didn't feel worthy.

_I'm not worthy of her. I'll always be second best. I'll never know if I'm her choice._

_I'm not worthy_.

Callie was a huge personality. She didn't want Callie to see her in this state, not when they had so much to still sort through. Callie and Sofia were a package. Arizona didn't really have any rights. Arizona was in no state to look after a child right now, not when she was a child again, herself.

_Nick, Tim..._

It was overwhelming. She cried for them, mourned them and missed them.

She slept again, when she woke up those names still echoed in her head. They were like accusations. She had let them down. She had let herself down. She hadn't been a good man in a storm. How can you be a good man in a storm if the weather is constantly cyclonic? You have to rest sometime. You have to be still. You can't just... always be in a crisis. Her life since Tim had been a one crisis after another. The shooting, Africa, the car accident where she was the one driving. ...She had almost lost Callie and Sofia, then. She hadn't dealt with it.

_She wasn't worthy._

Callie and her were always chasing each other, always losing each other, always reuniting with each other; never trusting one another. Abruptly, Callie had taken her leg. Then Arizona couldn't run. Instead, she had attacked. She had hurt people, hurt herself. She had lashed out at anyone and everyone who tried to see her, for her.

_Never stay still, always running when things get tough..._

_T_hings were tough and she no longer had anywhere left to run, because no matter how hard she tried she couldn't escape from herself. Wherever she ran she took herself with her, she took her grief with her always. She'd been doing it for years and it had grown, and now she had crashed. Crashed because she was in a safe place.

You can't keep running from yourself. You are always going to end up running into yourself along the way. Sooner or later your going to find a mirror and see yourself for _who you are._

Arizona finally saw who she'd become. Ever since Tim... the two of them were so beautiful together. The children of marines,with blond hair and matching dimples, they could charm the pants off anyone when they were together. They were naturally happy, wild and vivacious. Always having fun, very energetic and independent.

Suddenly, Tim had died. Ripped away from her in a second. It was not fair. She had adored her brother. Back then, she had longed to join him.

She'd thought about suicide in those dark days. She remembered holding a knife too her wrist and willing herself to cut deep. Until, the faces of all those she would leave behind had stopped her. She had cried. Sudden death creates such a big ripple. _It's not just you that suffers_. You can't come back from suicide, it's permanent. She had seen the faces of family and friends at the funeral and she couldn't will herself to cut. She couldn't hurt those people, more than what Tim had done and so she had lived for them. She had existed for them. She had played an act and pretended nothing was wrong and that she was still the person who had existed before Tim had died and it had _worn her out_, until she was nothing but a shell. She wasn't the person she was raised to be.

_Nick, Tim, Callie._ It was her mantra.

Nick had had come back and brightened Arizona's world, only to rip it apart again. She couldn't be there for him because of that plane.

_Nick, Tim, Callie_...her leg.

Callie had declared her dead. Even if it was a ploy to win in a fundraiser it was true, she was dead. She had died. She had died on that plane. She could no longer be_ a good man in a storm._

She had lost them all. She had failed them all. She had lost Nick, Tim, Callie and her leg.

_Her leg_...

She had lost her leg. She had always been able to run. If that didn't work she had always been able to charm her way back into anyone's heart. She never had to stay long enough to face her actions. She never _stayed still_ long enough to face her thoughts. She never let herself process crisis.

As a child stationed on a base in China; Tim and her had learnt that the symbol for crisis means danger and opportunity.

_Danger of staying a victim_. Being a victim was easy because it meant you never needed to face your actions if you were so wrapped up in self pity. Arizona was wrapped up in self pity. Now there was another crisis. Arizona was having a crisis within herself. It was an opportunity.

_Nick, Tim, Callie._

She had lost Nick and Tim permanently. She had lost Callie, but she might be able to win her back. That, was one opportunity. Another opportunity was to face herself and not run or hide though alcohol, donuts and one night stands. The chance to make a choice. She had died once, on a plane isolated from her family. This time... this crisis she would live, through and no longer be a victim. It wouldn't be easy. _It's easier being dead_.

_Time for life_, maybe time to do something for someone else: starting with April who had been so kind. Time to do something for others. Time to clean the house, clean her life, time for rebirth.

When April came home that night it was to a clean house. The kitchen was clean and the place sparkled. There were flowers on the table and a roast chicken was cooking in the oven. On the table there was a note. Written on that note was one word...

_Thank-you_

It was a start.


	11. Christina

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

a/n. Thankyou so much for the reviews guys. You are a really wonderful and supportive group. It makes me smile because I haven't written stories since childhood, I was a bit worried. So xox.

AzsGirl, thankyou for all your comments. Love your ideas. I'm listening. This ones Christina's pov.

To the guest reviewer/s who keeps asking where I'm going in this story:_ its all in the title_. I don't want to give too much away but google 'phoenix' in Egyptian and Greek mythology and read about the mythological bird.

a/n2 Christina is really hard to write, because she gives nothing away. Sandra Oh is such a wonderful actress. I'd love and appreciate any suggestions of how to write her.

...

Cristina was having a frustrating day. A young patient she was taking care of was proving impossible. Riley, aged 7 was born with Down's Syndrome. His condition meant that he had an associated congenital heart condition which needed to be operated on. The only problem was she could never examine him. He always gave her the slip! Christina was not good with children. Some children she could relate to, like Zola or Sophia, however Riley frustrated her beyond belief. He never sat still long enough to be examined. He was also a prankster. The first time Cristina had examined him he had disappeared, reappearing a second later with a large grin. He had been hungry and decided to steal an egg samdwitch from the cafeteria. That was a week ago. Alex had had no more luck in his attempted exam then she had. Riley on that occasion had wrote "fuck f Ax" on the wall in green permanent marker pen. Just fantastic for a room in which parents, children and hospital staff liaised with each other. Riley had spelt 'fuck' correctly and was really pleased with himself, so pleased he had decided to show his parents just what a good speller he was. Alex had been fuming, when she came back. He'd refused all further contact with Riley, muttering something about 'rounds' as he sped off. The nurses had one by one fallen away, and now refused to deal with his behaviour. _Riley was a master!_

This morning Cristina patiently tried once again to get him to sit on the exams table.  
"Fuck off! 'Tina you 'noy me, stupid lady!" He stomped his foot.  
"You're a bitch, stupid bitch, 'Tina, Fuck off, Tina you noy me!" he said merrily.  
He grinned pleased with himself for telling Cristina to 'fuck off'. Then he promptly ran away. She found him a minute later in the geriatrics section of the hospital hogging the inhabitants Wii and playing 'Guitar Hero'. She brought him back. He waited two minutes before slipping under the curtain, and scurring off God knows where?

_He shouldn't run it was bad for his heart_.

As Cristina paced the halls she reflected this was exactly why she didn't want children, he had once again done a runner. This time she found him outside the hospital giggling at the traffic. Oh my god!

She managed to talk him to come back into the hospital by offering him a coke. He loved drinking coke. It was bribery but it worked.

Cristina had finally persuaded him to go to the exam room. She turned around briefly to locate his case file only to find that he had once again disappered. He was under the bed, laughing his head off while he played with the controls of the bed. She would have to ask his parents for assistance in controlling him.

His parents had turned out to have no more luck then her. They just sat there and talked at the boy, pleading with him to do what the doctor asked. Normally she would ask Meredith for help but she and Meredith had not been communicating lately. Bailey was off visiting her husband currently so she couldn't help.  
Oh god, she needed Arizona! As much as she hated asking the women anything she had to admit that Arizona had a natural grace with children that she lacked. Where was the women? She had not been in for a week. April and her had been hanging out together lately, maybe she would know.

She found Kepner and Murphy in the ER, administrating and dealing with patients. Callie was in the corner of the room examining a tiler who had fallen from the roof and had sustained multiple fractures, because the company he worked for had lapsed in their health and safety standards. Murphy was inserting a catheata into,a patient with a prostate cancer.

Approaching April, Cristina stood there until she was acknowledged by the redhead.  
"April, when's Arizona coming back to work." She asked.  
"She said she'd be in later today to do rounds before the board meeting this afternoon, why?"  
"I need her for a consult on my patient, Riley."  
"Well, I think she'll be in around, er... one o'clock, she's flat hunting today, looking for a place with good accessibility."  
"Yeah whatever I don't need her life story" Cristina really didn't, she had her own problems. However she was fascinated by people and wanted to know more. Stopping for a second Cristina turned and asked "How's she been?"  
"Not so good Cristina. She's going through a really rough patch. She seems to be getting better. I think flat hunting is going to help though." Cristina hadn't realized that they had gathered an audience. In the background both Callie and Leah had put down their instruments and were eavesdropping, subtly.

There was a crash, Leah had turned white and was trembling.  
"She's flat hunting, but I asked her to move in with me" Leah said.  
"Why, on earth would she want to move in with you Leah, you're a resident?"

Across the room a voice boomed, "...**because shes sleeping with my wife**!" The door slammed. Callie had exited.

Ooh. This was going to be so good...it was a pity she couldn't share it with Meredith.

...

She found Callie later, starring into space while pretending to look at the surgery blackboard.

"Hey there. You okay?"

"Yes, no...I don't know. Cristina I told her. "I went and poured my heart out to her, _again_ and then she goes and does a shit move like this." Callie looked broken.

"Hang on.. didn't you break up with her and then kick her out?" Cristina queried.

"Kinda ..but then I went and said some things. And now...why me?" Callie moaned.

"I dont know, Callie, I mean maybe you should try talking too her and not in your usual style where you shout at each other publicly and then just leave... Sorry, was that rude of me? Maybe. Anyway I need to see her before the board meeting. Ask her to page me...oh and Callie?..."

"Yeah?"

"You guys really need to talk. She loves you, you know... Its like SO obvious, talk too her." Cristina said. "...but if you kill her just make sure its after she sees Riley. His heart really needs a checkup, and he keeps running away."

"Yeah... Callie sighed, "Okay."

Lesbians were so complicated. Sheesh. Wait a sec, were they going to be dramatic in the board meeting? That would be awkward. Grinning, Christina walked off again to do her rounds.


	12. Callie- III

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

I don't speak Spanish. I wish I did, it's hot! Anyway, please feel free to correct me if I swore wrongly in this beautiful language, or if I need to dial it back a bit. I don't want to offend anybody. My research into this comes from google and urban dictionary. As I understand it they are pretty powerful insults. Please let me know if there is a more appopriate word and I will change it. Callie's not in her happy place.

A/N: I watched last night's zombie episode. I swear it _had no influence_ upon this chapter _whatsoever_. None.

This is a long one.

...

Vicious, treacherous, manipulative, lying, cheating, son of a _cabrona_...Callie seethed as she finished her rounds. She wasn't focusing on her patients, so it's lucky for them she was so good. Instead, she thought about the last year.

How had it all become so messed up? She had been so happy and in love, they were both so much in love. And then that plane... that plane had changed _everything. Ripped everything to shreds. _Ripped her life to shreds only to spit it out again, undigested, rotting right in front of her.

_Everything. T_hey had been happy. A neat little family package: Callie, Sophia, Arizona _and Mark_. Her wife may had been correct in that, she had always let Mark get away with a little too much. Mark had been her best friend. Poor Mark and poor sweet, kind Lexi. They didn't deserve to die, not like that. That _freaking_ plane- it had changed everything. It had changed her life. It had transformed her wife for the worse. It had broken her. They last year had been hell. When she had looked in Arizona's eyes, she didn't recognise her. Her wife had been so angry, all the time, so unpredictable. Her wife had been so dark. Her wife, who had once been so very supportive in everything Callie had done, was non-existent. In her place, there was an angry, demanding, harpy who didn't care about anything, anyone and who hated Callie; for taking her leg, for breaking her promise. Callie shuddered, it had been horrific. The person she had loved the most and she didn't even recognise her. Arizona was nothing but a shell, the light that had once suffused her whole being was shrouded in darkness.

Callie had done her best to be supportive, maintaining a job, a household and being a mother, while at the same time she buried her grief for Mark, and tried to be supportive to her wife. Mark had been her best friend, her main support. He was always protecting her. She couldn't even mourn him. Callie had too many responsibilities, so she buried her grief. She felt like she owed Arizona for staying beside her bed after the car crash. Grateful for taking her back because she was pregnant at the time, and afraid of losing her. She really loved her. They belonged together and Arizona had come back from Africa and fought to be with her. No one had ever done that, not for Callie. They were made for each other. They had married but had it been too soon? Arizona was deeply in love with her for certain, but why had she married her? H_ad she only married her because of Mark, to make it equal? Had Arizona felt that insecure in her relationship? Had Callie done that to her? _Callie had never thought about it before.

Callie stalked down the halls of the hospital. After Cristina had spoken to her, Callie had once again managed to talk herself into a rage. She felt the walls of her vision shrink and expand. She had to stop, to bend over and breathe. I_n and out, calm soothing walks down a beach, with a coffee, calmer after each breath. _A wave of nausea rolled over her. Her vision went blurry for a second and the ringing in her ears hurt her head. Her head pounded. Oh no, she was getting a migraine! Quickly she found two Advil capsules in her lab coat and gulped them down with some bottled water. That would have too do. She would have to see this through.

She was lost. Arizona had asked her to fight for her and she had. She had gone and declared her feelings to her and her wife had slept with that _intern_. Had she waited minutes or hours after Callie had declared herself to go and _mount_ that women?

_Betrayal_, white hot, fiery anger filled every cell. Why had she done it? Was it to hurt her further? To punish her? She intended to find out after the meeting.

Reaching the board room Callie surveyed the seating. She was the second last person to arrive and so she chose to sit next to Christina. One seat remained, empty. The one opposite her. Good! She would make _her_ sweat. The object of her ire chose that moment to enter the board room, blond hair bouncing as she walked in and found her seat.

"Sorry I'm late. I just arrived back to work and then I had a consult with Cristina. She's handing over a new patient, Riley, to me. She says he's an absolute angel. The perfect child. I wanted to look at his file before this meeting and familiarise myself with his case history." Arizona smiled and turned to look at them all until her eyes fell on Callie who was busy glaring at her. The smile vanished. Arizona seemed to shrink and looked down. "Thanks for waiting."

"Not too worry, Doctor Robbins, we hadn't started the meeting yet. Welcome back, we have a few things to discuss this afternoon. Firstly, our budget. Since the fundraiser we have begun to climb out of the red and into the black".

Arizona was looking at her, trying to suss her out. She caught the look and gave her a warning stare. _You betrayed me. I trusted you, stayed by your side..._Arizona looked down and shock her head_. A_pparently she hadn't heard the gossip yet.

Oh God, she was so beautiful. Her wife was such a beautiful, perfect..lying, treacherous cheating, manipulative bitch. She looked haggard and exhausted like she'd been through a trial by fire. She had lost quite a bit of weight and was very pale, with dark circles around her eyes. She looked resigned. Callie was openly staring at Arizona and Arizona was clearly uncomfortable. Callie's arm was bumped and a note was placed into her palm written from Christina.

**Remember my patient needs an exam. Don't kill her until she has seen Riley, much appreciated - Christin**a.

The meeting took forever. Departments needed to be restocked and supplies purchased. Beds and battery packs- a tedious boring meeting. Arizona and her refused to look at each other. They were both trying to understand this silent conversation. _She can burn, burn burn._ Curse her! Finally the meeting ended and chairs were pushed in. Staff ready to finish for the day, or get ready for the next shift. Arizona packed up her notes. Callie touched her arm. "I need to talk to you." Arizona nodded slowly and said, "not here, in my office". Exiting the elevator Arizona unlocked the door to her office, gesturing for Callie to enter first. Once they were both in the room, Callie turned and locked the door. Arizona had her back to her facing her desk refusing to look at her.

"I heard you moved on and slept with, Leah?"

Arizona sighed, "Callie, you have to understand that was after you had kicked me out. I was sure you didn't want me. That was before you came to my apartment and confronted me."

"So...how do you feel? Why..ah, what am I too you, anymore?" She asked softly.

"I feel this..."

Arizona turned her head and abruptly crossed the space that it took to kiss Callie. She put her hands eithor side of Callie's face and held her by the jaw, drawing her closer. A hot passionate plea for redemption. Arizona nipped Callie's bottom lip, pulling it out gently with her teeth, teasing the lip before letting it go. Callie hesitated for an instant then she pushed her tongue hard into Arizona's mouth. Their tongues met in a heated and familiar dance as they were lost in each other. Bodies melded together and Callie pushed Arizona back against the desk and slammed her leg between Arizona's thighs, causing the other women to moan, gently. It felt so good, it felt like home. Then she remembered why she had come to talk to Arizona, and the room went cold. _Betrayal_. She pushed Arizona away and slapped her. _No redemption_. It hurt her hand. Callie gave her one last up and down look.

"_Chigate"_ she spat out. "Why are you doing this to me, playing with me, hurting me so much?" She turned unlocked the door and left the room, stunned by what had occurred. Blinking away tears as her vision once again went blurry, her. She needed a drink, fast. It would need to be stronger then coffee.


	13. Christina- II

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

There is a bit of dialogue that isn't written by me. Its taken and copied directly out of wikea. The lines are from the show. You will recognise it, if you are familiar with season 9. Not mine! Shonda Rhimes. I've marked it in italics and quotation marks.

I'm going to try to weave elements of cannon into this story. The details won't always be the same as on the show, but where I can stick to current events I will. I changed the story cover. It's a Phoenix obviously:). A Phoenix tattoo. Do you see where I'm going with this minor detail? Please say yes.

Just a filler and a minor reprieve from the drama. This week is really chockers so I may not be able to update daily, i'll do my best though.

Oh, one other thing. Please don't think I condone physical violence. I don't. These ladies are at breaking point. A lot can happen when you're that lost.

My wife has agreed to go back and edit my, "charming dyslexic moments." Lol. She's the best! The previous chapters will be fixed, gradually.

...

Cristina couldn't seem to find Arizona. Callie and her had disappeared somewhere after the board meeting. She sent another page to meet her for a consult. She wanted to get this exam out of the way before finishing up her shift, so she was filling in time updating instructions on patient's chart and care. Nurses did the main administration of files, baring certain details such as medication which was handled by the doctors. Christina, was double checking and waiting for a response from Doctor Robbins, she had very little to do. She was that good! Ticking off charts as she made her way round the cardiology unit, Cristina reflected on the afternoon. It had been uncomfortable and awkward sitting next to Callie. The thinly veiled angry eye-sex between the Callie and Arizona had been making her nauseous, but, at least it had provided some entertainment.

It had been such a boring boardroom meeting, so Christina had let her mind wander freely, only saying something when asked by Owen. She had busied her mind by observing other people. Avery and Derrick had been only one listening; Meredith was miles away, probably thinking about baby stuff. Avery looked conceited as usual. Throughout the meeting Callie had looked like she wanted to rip her wife's head off AND rip her wife's cloths off, AND take her right there on the board room table. Ew, so not appropriate! Arizona had looked shattered and hopeful; casting bashful and longing looks Callie's way when she thought she wasn't being observed. They were pretty messed up; so obvious and clueless. Miles apart yet yearning to be together. It was sad.

Mind you, Owen and her and were in a similar mess. It was so gut wrenching to see that he was interested in that boring, one dimensional woman. The one with the depth of a Zola's 'Dora the Explorer', wading pool. What was her name again? Ah yes, it was Emma Marling. Who dates someone with a name like _Marling _itsounds like a fish! A fish swimming in a kiddie pool with Owen and there 10 children. Perfect. Absolutely freaking perfect! So perfect it made Cristina want to dance with joy. Did no one get the fact that not everyone wanted children. Hah Marling equals Marlin. Pointy nosed fish woman!

She needed someone to share her joke with. Meredith would get the joke. She needed Meredith. Meredith had cut her out. Surgically and clinically removed since their miscommunication two weeks ago. Christina no longer felt that there was a place for. Her person had left her, a stranger now. Halloween being the most recent example. She had just stood there and watched Zola, Tuck, Sophia and a couple of other children get ready to go out and she had felt like a complete outsider, leaving her cupcakes on the table and going to the bar. Maybe sleeping with Sharkie hadn't been the best idea. He was alright. A bit lifeless and cold. He was strong. Kinda reminded her of Preston Burke. She shivered, goosebumps, appearing on her arms.

That had been a lucky escape! Whatever agnst Owen and her were going through it was still preferable to Burke. Maybe Sharkie was a step back. He reminded Cristina of herself, in the days before she had met Doctor Craig Thomas. A kindly old man, who was very good at what he did, he had taken Cristina under his wing and shown her how to be human.

"_Breathe, Dr. Yang. Don't be crass. You're skulking. Women of your generation are graceless. It's an affront to nature. Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you're lucky, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you will find a young doctor with little regard for anything but their craft. And you'll train them like I trained you. Until then, read a good book. You have greatness in you, Yang. Don't disappoint._"

Yep. She mourned him. He was wonderful. He was both a father and a brother to her. He'd get the Marlin joke. She felt a tap on her shoulder, it was Callie.

"Hey, Christina I was looking for you, what are you doing tonight. I finish soon and Meredith and Derrick have agreed to take Sophia for the night. I was thinking about heading over to Joe's." Callie looked wrecked. She was drawn, pale and trembling. She looked like she was trying not to cry. "I need lots of tequila and dancing and hot sweaty bodies".

"Oh Callie, I was trying to do a consult on Riley before I finished up but sure. After?"

"I checked with Alex, Arizona admitted him and then went home, we're all set, pleeeeeeeeeease Cristina?! In the spirit of old roommates? Both of our lives are a mess. Let's hang out and be miserable together?"

"Say yes, yes right?" Callie pleaded with her, her body doing a little jingle as her eyes widened making her look like that funny cat in Shriek. Yep, Zola had rubbed off on her. Cristina felt empty.

"Why not, I don't have anything better to do, let me get changed, and I'll meet you there?"

"Yay!" Callie gave her a hug. It was one sided. Cristina stood there stiffly waiting for it to be over. They walked up to the attending a quarters to change.

"Callie, Owen's dating a women by the name of Marling."

"Yeah I know, that must suck for you, huh?"

"Eh, I'm coping. Besides her name sounds like a fish. Fish- Marlin get it? And her nose is pointy?" Cristina waited hopefully, waiting for Callie to get her joke.

"Haha, that's quite funny" Callie laughed but the smile didn't reach her eyes, he mind occupied with other things, "so... see you there?" Callie opened her locker and changed into her red shirt, black pants and boots. She shrugged into her trusty leather jacket.

"Yep, I'll be there directly" Cristina had taken her top off and changed into a black singlet, jeans and her swede jacket.

"Christina, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, how do you stop looking for someone when you're sleeping? It happens to me every night. Its a crappy way to start the day." Callie's eyes had widened. She shook her head and blinked a couple of times. "Stupid migraine, I need a coffee". They exited the attending's room walked down the hospital corridor towards the lift. They took the lift down to the bottom floor.

"Try a body pillow, they are really good" Cristina filled in the blanks, she looked at Callie quizzically. Callie was blinking again.

"Ooh good idea." Callie said. They walked down to the coffee stand together. Each purchasing a drink before exiting the hospital.

"So I'll see you about 8?"

"Count on it", Cristina smiled. Maybe there were other people who could appreciate her. She walked out into the rain to get her car.


	14. April-III

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

This is a really, really, really long one. My longest yet, I'm tired. I hope you enjoy. Guys I can't tell you how much your reviews and follows make me smile. Your comments keep this fic going. So thank you xox.

...

It was raining quite heavily. Seattle always rained. Today it poured, so much so that the windscreen wipers were struggling. April, had finally reached her house. Exiting her car, she hurriedly ran to her front door, shrinking slightly because she had forgotten her umbrella. She was tired and soaked. This week had been huge. Thank god it was friday! Arizona and her had the weekend free. She was determined to do some more flat-hunting with Arizona. There were a few possibilities, the criteria being a place which was on the ground floor, could be modified and had at least two bathroom and, three bedrooms - one for herself, one for Sophia and one for a guest. April took '_guest'_ to mean, herself.

Arizona and her had forged a strong bond in the week that they had spent together. It was natural, she reasoned. One can't break down, without loosening a few boundaries. Arizona had been an absolute mess. A lot of walls had been dismantled since that day in the street. April slid her wet clothes on the ground and changed into a fluffy nightgown with slippers.

Arizona and her were both in the same place emotionally: lonely, empty and crying out for friendship and attention. Arizona cried herself to sleep most nights. She really missed Sophia _and Callie._ Arizona refused to acknowledge that she missed her wife, but she clearly did. On the whole, it seemed like Arizona was determined to improve her life, though there were constant challenges. For example, Murphy still texted every day. April knew this because Arizona showed her the texts. Arizona would just gesture helplessly at her phone and pass the phone to April. W_hat do I do, she won't take no for an answer? _April would reach over, delete the message and turn off the phone. Arizona would work it out eventually. She was fragile now, that was understandable. The woman had held in so much in, for so long, that when she finally broke it had been like a tidal wave. She was still recovering. When Arizona was stronger she would let her be in charge of handling her lover. In the meantime she needed protection. Arizona had been avoiding Leah since she had moved in. However, Leah had become stronger and more persistent in her advances. She had come to April's apartment and knocked on the door, the previous evening. Arizona had shrunk and melted away. April had answered the door and Leah had asked to see Arizona.

"For the last time, no, its midnight!" April had said, "She doesn't want to see you, let her contact you. If you come here again to my place at this time of night I am calling the police, and making sure you are fired, now leave, we need sleep!" she threatened. She meant the threat. This was becoming out of hand.

Leah had slunk away. When April had gone to tell Arizona what had occurred, Arizona had looked guilty and replied that it was her fault for leading Leah on. She said there was no need to call the police. Arizona felt that she deserved what she got. Then she had shut down and turned on the tv, refusing to talk about it any further. Yes, it was her fault, but, it was also Leah's fault. Leah was playing a very dangerous game. Openly pursuing a married women, who obviously still had very strong feelings towards her wife. Leah was obsessed and infatuated which was interfering with her natural judgement. Arizona couldn't see the bigger picture. Leah was openly trying to drive a wedge between Callie and Arizona. April didn't like the situation and so she mothered, waiting patiently for Arizona to assert herself.

...

Sliding the key into the door, April quickly entered her apartment. Locating her friend it was apparent that Arizona was settling in for the night. She had her pajamas on and had a pile of dvds and a bucket of caramel ice cream. She looked sweet in her bunny slippers and her hair was in braids.

"Hey, how was your day?" April asked.

Arizona looked up and shrugged, her eyes going back to the tv, she was playing April's collection of Judy Garland movies, starting with 'Meet me in Saint Louise'.

"It was alright, the meeting was boring. I had a run in with Callie." Arizona's hand wondered unconsciously to her cheek. "We said some things we shouldn't have...oh god I can't even..." She sighed heavily. "I guess things are never going to work out between us, I'm never going to be able to see my daughter. I've made such a mess of my life."

"Arizona?", April prodded, waiting for a response.

"Yah?" Arizona's eyes wondered to April's face and lingered a moment before returning to the tv, 'clang, clang, clang..goes the trolley', Judy Garland sang.

"Your're really starting to annoy me. We are going out tonight and we are going to get good and tipsy on champagne, and we are going to dance! So, lets go find you something hot to wear because you have zero choice in the matter, if you don't want to be homeless. Its friday and I'm sick of being miserable in your delightful company". April turned the tv off.

Arizona grumbled and got up. There was no winning this battle.

...

They had chosen their clothes carefully. April choosing a green, frilly top and wide pants with black boots and a denim jacket hair up and Arizona, choose a red tank, and black skinny jeans. April had convinced her to wear her hair loose. Arizona had chosen to wear heals tonight. She reached for her jeans and was frustrated when she couldn't pull them up easily, the jeans catching around Arizona's prothetic. April swatted Arizona's hand away and touched the high healed prosthetic. She pulled up the jeans with both hands over the prosthetic. Arizona looked like she was about to cry.

"Oh for gods sake, what's the matter now?" April was becomming impatient with the emotional roller coaster.

"Nothing, its just, you're the first person to touch my leg, apart from Callie, it means..a lot, thank you."

"Oh, well no problem, its just a prosthetic" April said humbled. "Come on, lets get drunk." They called a taxi and arrived 15 minutes later at Joes.

...

Joes was pumping. It looked ready to be a big night. More and more customers were arriving, and the staff was working hard. Joe was out of town and one of his nephews was running the show. Tonight Joes resembled a night club. The music was blearing, the people sweaty and drunk. Joe was going to be mad when he came back. In the meantime, the clientele seemed quite pleased. Buying drinks and dancing. Most of them were staff from the hospital, April recognized a few faces.

They worked their way to the bar and ordered some champagne. Watching as the place fill up, they steadily ploughed through the bottle. Another champagne bottle was bought and demolished at a similar rate. Time to Dance! It was amazing. Finally, a release after so much tension. April left Arizona still dancing, eyes closed, body moving, hair swaying; and went to order another bottle. She turned and surveyed the scene. Leah had arrived and was seeking out Arizona on the dance floor while Arizona was dancing solo and oblivious. She looked at Leah, nodded and they began to dance together. Ooh this was getting tricky. Was this yet another evening when she would need to play clit-blocker? She could only keep this level of protectiveness up for so long before Arizona would need to be an adult and take responsibility again. She was just one person and Leah was relentless. This couldn't continue. It was time for Arizona to step up. She would monitor from here and run interference if necessary.

...

April was watching as Arizona danced. Her hands were around Leah's waist and Leah was ecstatic. They were dancing a little too closely. April shook her head. From the other side of the room she saw Callie approach the dance floor. Where had she come from? She looked good. Callie was wearing a shiny black tank top and black pants, her hair loose. April hadn't seen her when they entered this evening. Callie looked furious and on a mission. She had slipped behind Arizona. April watched in horror as Callie slipped her arm around Arizona's waist and glared at Leah. The message was clear even from this distance.** Step off, bitch! **

Leah had retreated to the ladies bathroom, embarrassed. "Good, at least there is a sense of shame in the woman!" April thought to herself. she wondered if she should make her presence known and walked towards the floor. The situation was becoming messy and Arizona was still fragile. She was reaching Arizona. She was about to tap Arizona's shoulder when she felt Christina grab her arm and pull her back.

"Stop April, this is not your problem, you need to let them work this out for themselves." Christina pulled April away further still. They watched the dance floor from the other side of the room.

"Arizona's in a really fragile state."

"What are you, her mum? Arizona's a grown women and she seems pretty happy to me," Christina pointed out.

April had to admit that Christina was right. Callie was dancing behind Arizona. Their hips moved in sync to the music. Callie's hands wondered down to Arizona's stomach and pulled her closer, firmly massaging the area. They slid together, moving as one. Arizona seemed happy and content for the first time in a long time. She moved one arm up behind Callie's head. Callie placed her lips under Arizona's ear. She was kissing her neck. Arizona had closed her eyes.

"Its like watching the cable channel, huh? Cristina said, breaking the mood. "Come on lets get some _tequila!_" April shook her head. It was primal. Callie had moved her lips down to Arizona's neck. She kissed her neck and still they danced, slowly.

"I feel dirty watching this," April said.

"Oh my god, April you are such a prude!"

Arizona had turned around and placed her arms around Callie's head. Callie placed her leg between Arizona's thighs. They kissed as they continued to dance. This song, 'Silence' by Delirium was a long one. It really was quite uncomfortable watching, but she couldn't help it. These two drew her gaze in. They continued to kiss until the song ended. They had given up all pretense of dancing. They looked happy. Callie whispered something in Arizona's ear and Arizona's face fell, stricken by whatever Callie had said. Arizona pushed Callie away. Callie went to follow but she was stopped by April glaring at her, arms folded. Callie backed down. Not because of April, but because she must have realized that she had gone too far.

"We need to leave, April, now", Arizona said shakily.

April obliged and they left the pub.

...

Outside Arizona caught her breath.

"You want to tell me what happened, you seemed to be having a really good time?" April asked.

Arizona shook her head, "No, theres no milage in telling you. We were kissing and dancing and it felt so good and then Callie said something really horrible... I had to get out of there." Arizona paused, her face downcast. She continued, "April I'm trying so hard to change and be a better person but it doesn't seem to matter what I do? I need to do something drastic. I don't know what..."

April looked down, deep in thought. They were both pretty drunk, a random thought hit her. "I know, lets get a tattoo," she said.

When Arizona laughed, April frowned, "No I'm serious. What would you get? I'd get a dolphin."

"A dolphin?! Oh my God, you are straight!" Arizona paused considering her response. "Well, if I were to get a tattoo it would need to be something which honored Nick and Tim. They used to tease me about my name all the time and it used to annoy me so much, but I miss it now. It would need to be something that symbolizes renewal..."

"...April, I'd get a Phoenix!"


	15. Leah- IiI

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

**A/N:** Did you really think Leah would go away that easily? Or that Arizona would be cured by one teeny, tiny existential crisis? Or that Callie would be an angel in that situation - Not a chance!

-For any Aussies in the audience: Happy Melbourne Cup Day! Hope you won something!

_Lets catch up with Leah...see why she's back chasing our beautiful paediatrician, and find out what was said..._

...

Leah raced towards the bathroom. Well, that was unexpected. Dancing with Arizona had felt magical until Torres had arrived unexpectedly. It had felt like old times. The time before she had seen Arizona weak and helpless in that cold and clinical bathroom, stuck in the tub. It had been a interesting week. At first she was horrified by Arizona's missing limb. However, Leah had replayed the images of that night in her mind until Arizona was no longer pale and helpless, but instead a perfect women, in need of rescuing from her life and from Torres. She gradually forgot about the leg, the image blurring into obscurity. Instead she saw Arizona looking at her longingly, eyes gazing out from beneath her lashes, sucking her lip._ So lovely_. Now she was heroic and brave, crying out for help. The pale images in her mind transformed into golden ones. It was frustrating, trying to see Arizona, now that she had moved in with April. Leah would try and see Arizona and April would block her attempts. Must be some kind of brainwashing, a cult. She would keep working on freeing her. Bide her time.

She stopped by the bathroom tap to wash her hands and look in the mirror. It had been a little scary when Dr Torres had shown up, suddenly out of nowhere, moving behind Arizona. Those dark, dangerous eyes had caught hers. Torres stared at her, challenging. The message was clear and firm,_ "leave now, don't come back, don't ever come back, don't even think about dancing with her, or touching her, she's mine, she's my wife"._ Torres had looked straight at Leah before shifting her eyes slowly down Arizona's body, surveying her from behind. Then Torres had wrapped her arm around Arizona's waist and pulled her firmly against her, grinding slowly to the music. The music was pulsating and people writhed as the lights flicked blue to purple and back again, in time with the beat. Arizona couldn't see the look Torres had given Leah. Torres had slowly lifted her gaze back up and slammed Leah with the intensity. Leah was left breathless and stunned, "w_hy are you still here?", _Torres seemed to ask_. "Get out, leave,"_ Leah had fled. She felt gawky and powerless. Too big for her body. Too uncoordinated and polite. She didn't move naturally like the Latina, who seemed born to dance. An uncomfortable feeling arose in her throat, making it difficult to breath. Torres was Arizona's wife, was she doing the wrong thing? She felt vaguely uneasy. Then she brushed the thought aside and buried it deeply. She consoled herself, it wasn't her fault. Torres and Arizona were spilt up.

Besides Arizona had found _her_ 'adorable' and touched _her_ nose. Leah looked at her reflection, yeah, she was pretty adorable. Other people thought so too. Arizona thought she was adorable, and had treated her with kindness when she was bitten by that man. It had also been Arizona who had allowed them to dance together. Arizona had asked _her_ to spend the night. Leah felt little guilt. Torres had kicked Arizona out of her own flat. Torres had no rights. Arizona was fair game.

She heard voices outside the restroom. It sounded like Dr Yang and Dr Torres. She needed to hide. She ducked into the nearest cubicle and locked the door from the inside. It was a much abused door, there were cracks all over it. Finding a crack with a rather large opening, Leah put her eye to it. She could vaguely see what was happening in the restroom, mainly one sink depending where she stood, the rest of the bathroom in darkness. Both doctors entered.

"Okay what was that. What happened this afternoon and this evening between you and Blondie?" Yang was asking the other women.

Torres paused and said, "you know, Arizona stuff. A lot happened today. We kissed after the meeting, well, she kissed me.."

"Okay..." Yang looked amused.

"...and then I may, have kinda slapped her and told her to go fuck herself, in Spanish." Callie rushed out with. "I was angry, she's playing with my head and it's giving me these pounding headache, migraine things, and sometimes I can't see properly because of them." Callie finished. She turned on the tap and splashed her face.

"Callie I told you to talk to her, not kiss her after the meeting, slap her, insult her and then seduce her on the dancefloor. What the hell?"

"I just, I couldn't help it. She infuriates me so much."

"You love each other, that's why you guys constantly hurt each other." Cristina put her hand on Torres's arm and patted it gently. "There, there", she said woodenly. "It will be alright." Cristina said tonelessly continuing to whack Callie's back.

"Now", Christina asked, "what the freaking hell was that out on the dance floor, just now, the last thing I remember was sitting at the bar chugging tequila before you cursed in Spanish and marched off? Why did Arizona suddenly leave when you were dancing? You looked so cosy."

Torres looked down, shyly, "I may have kinda implied to her that she was a whore," she rushed. "Its just she was dancing so closely with that intern, with that women and I got angry and panicked, it's possible that I wasn't that nice. I was really mad even though we kissed, I kept seeing that intern with her hands on my wife and that reminded me of _her_".

Leah knew that _her_, meant that other women. The visiting paediatrician, _Lauren Boswell_. So Torres saw her like that, huh? Interesting.

"What were your words Callie, your exact words" Christina pursued. Callie looked down and mumbled, "I said... um.. erm...I may have said something to the effect that after she'd finished with Leah tonight could she come and see me, because I am horny too?"

"Callie, that's harsh," Yang arched her eyebrow, "even from you." She looked at Torres sideways. "Was that why she left?"

"Er...I may have said the word 'fuck', once or twice in the conversation, I'm not sure. I need a drink!"

"You're an idiot. She wants you back. Well at least she did before you started _talking_. Come on you neanderthal. Let's get you good and shattered. You can apologise tomorrow." Yang wrapped her arm around Torres and the two of them exited.

Behind the toilet door stall, Leah smiled to herself. If Doctor Torres thought so little of her wife there was nothing wrong with what she was doing. Maybe she did have a chance after all.


	16. Arizona- V

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content.

A/N. Thank you again for your comments xox.

I hear you, I'll try for longer chapters, I tried today but my brain got tired. So this one is just a reprieve before the drama. Let me know, your thoughts.

...-...

Arizona viewed herself in the mirror as the light from early dawn streamed through the window, allowing enough visibility to survey her shoulder. She studied the ink newly imprinted on her skin. N_ow where had that come from_? On the left side of her back there was a fiery bird. Outlined in deep red ink, the wings of the bird stretched fully over one shoulder, it's other wing stretched just into the right side of her back. The bird's tail curled upwards also stopping just before her spine. The bird's head tilted downwards, reflective. The beak and talons were the same red brown colour and both looked fierce, a warning. The bird was yellow, orange and red. Together the impression was one of fire. Written underneath the tattoo were the words, "It is always the darkest before the dawn". It was a reference to her favourite line from Lord of the Rings. The Phoenix was beautiful, it was shocking and _hardcore_, it was _awesome_. Sheesh, how much had this thing cost? The detail of the work was incredible. It hurt like hell. It hadn't hurt last night. She had been pretty wasted last night, trying to escape her wife's cruel words.

Arizona applied the lotion the tattoo artist had given her for her back. Then she reapplied the dressing, covering the tattoo up. The doctor part of her brain told her that it would not be good if it got infected. She hoped it wouldn't be noticed at work on Monday, she was sick of being the subject of gossip. But if it was, so what? She could now be a cheating, slutty, _tattooed_, perky, crippled, awesome Paeds surgeon. What's one more label? Bring it, it was for Tim, Nick and herself! She grinned and then groaned, nursing her head. She was dehydrated, that's why she had woken up in the first place. Gingerly walking over her bathroom bag, Arizona located her packet of Advil. She took out four tablets. Gulping two herself she quickly refilled the glass and crept into April's room. She woke the redhead who sat bolt upright, nursing her head and made her swallow the two remaining tablets before leaving her to sleep. April's nighty hitched up as she sat up giving Arizona a view of her lower back which had a similar dressing to her shoulder. So they both got tattoos. That was quite amusing. Closing the door Arizona walked into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee, shaking her head. As she placed the coffee on brew images of the previous night swam in front of her eyes.

_"...April, I'd get a Phoenix!" She had said excitedly._

_"A phoenix? That's amaaaazing! ... Arizona... what's a Phoenix!?" April had asked._

_"Mythological bird thingy. It gets old and dies and then is reborn out of fire. It's super! Haven't you seen Harry Potter?"_

_"No, I was too busy studying to watch kids movies" April raised her brow._

_"Says your Pixar collection! I have to watch kids movies, it's my job." Arizona pouted. "Nick always called me Phoenix after the city" she hiccuped. "It didn't matter how many times I talked about the battleship...I miss him, April."_

April had given her a hug before pulling her into the tattoo parlour. All of this had occurred last night.

Last night Leah and her had danced. Callie and her had danced, their bodies pressed close, moving slowly. Kissing Callie felt so good and yet so messed up. They couldn't stay apart from each other and yet they couldn't talk. Not one action without hurting the other. She shivered, no one could kiss like Callie or make her feel the way Callie did. Arizona, in that moment had never wanted to kiss anyone ever again. And then Callie had whispered in her ear and broken the spell. "_After you finish fucking your intern tonight come and _se_e me, I could use the company and you make me horny as hell. I haven't had sex in months,_" she had said. Wow, that had been like ice water thrown on her face. She had pushed Callie away and found April, dragging her outside. Those word hurt more than a slap ever could. She probably deserved the slap, she had launched herself at Callie and attached herself to her mouth, uninvited, starting this horrible dance. Callie had kissed her back, and now things were worse between them then before, each using sex as a weapon. She hadn't been able to help it. Callie had been so beautiful standing there, eyes sparkling in anger. She sighed, she didn't even know how to start to make amends. Actually, no she had made a start. She had stopped sleeping with Leah. It had been a mistake to dance with Leah. She had seen Callie at the bar and wanted to get closer to her. Fearing rejection she had let Leah dance with her. That was stupid. She made bad decisions when she was drunk. It got her the attention she desired but not the result she wanted. She wanted to make up with Callie, she wanted to get her daughter back. It was time to act. This situation needed to be resolved. It was time to have a talk with Leah on Monday, the women was becoming a little scary.

However this weekend was all about her. This weekend she was going to choose a flat and get her own space. There were a few possibilities on offer. One place was ideal, centred near April and the hospital, 99 Paradise road, Arizona liked the sound of it. It was perfect. An open space, with wooden floors and a small garden for Sophia to play in._ "I could buy chickens, I have a thing for chickens",_ Arizona thought to herself. Arizona was planning to make a bid for it this morning. She would need to customise it. No more incidents like the bath. This place needed hand rails, and non slip persian carpets and lots of places to sit. She pushed the French plunger down and made two steaming mugs of coffee. Arizona left one in April's room before moving to sit in the lounge. Soon she would start the preparations for the day. Right now it was a good time to just be still.

-.-

"I got the place April!" Arizona told her friend on the phone, late that morning, "I can move in right away!"

"That's awesome, are you allowed to modify it?"

"Yeah, I can do anything I want. I didn't just rent the place, I bought it, can you come shopping with me?"

"I'd love to".

-.-

That weekend they had shopped and had fun. It was exactly what both of them needed. It was a good way to cleanse the soul to get ready for the inevitable drama Monday would bring. Boxes were delivered and orders were made for different modifications. April went bonkers putting different coloured sticky notes marking out things the place would need. All colour coded, April style. It cost a fortune. Arizona could afford it though, her income as a surgeon was quite substantial. She also still had a tidy sum from the settlement, a few million which she hadn't spent on the settlement. It came in handy now. It helped secure her independence.

All too soon the weekend was over. Monday was here. Time for the real world.

Shit.

-.-


	17. Author's note

Authors Note:

Heya so this is a bit of a chat. This is what was once a chapter of Derek's. I wrote it and published it and promptly discarded it. It was awful. I was trying too hard to show the plot. Then I had a think...

Many of you have asked where this story is going. It's a good question. I won't answer it though because...what would be the fun in that, it's the ride that's fun. Instead I think I will explain a bit more about why I wrote this fiction and trust in my readers to work out the rest.

I am currently a little disappointed with LBGT representation on tv. It's shallow and one dimensional. Callie and Arizona aren't, they are rich characters. I want to explore the journey of how there relationship could be remedied, in all it's various stages, without a quick fix. Arizona's may have had a 'aha moment', as symbolised by the tattoo. The question is can she maintain the lesson learnt, when challenged. People make many mistakes. Arizona's change is new , raw and easily broken. It would be so easy to go back to old ways, and she just might. That's what I'm trying to show. As for Callie, her world has been shattered, its not an easy thing to overcome. Her journey is just beginning. It's their journey, hopefully towards one another which I am trying to capture.

Big thanks to Pekegal, AZSgirl, and HRK9164. Your comments really keep me writing. The rest of you are wonderful also.

Ill try and post next chapter today. It's Callie.


	18. Callie IV

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

A/n you guys are just beautiful. Thank you. Ooh and maybeishouldgetacat you make me smile. You know I hugely admire your work.

How is everyone's coping mechanisms?...I read up on what happened in the last ep. Haven't seen it yet. I swear no influence on this chapter at all...none. This may be a two parter for Callie. Just wanted to let you know I'm still here.

...

_Why is everything so horrible..._

_Oh god, why is everyone so horrible..._

_Why is the universe so truly horrible..._

Callie was awoken from a fiendish nightmare by the lilting sounds of Abba. She had been dreaming that her wife and Murphy were having a shower together.

_"I was in your arms, thinking I belong there...Winner takes it all...",_ the Swedish pop band crooned. Damn that radio station for playing the best of 70s, 80 and 90's music.

_ "I hate irony_", Callie thought to herself. Raising her arm above her head, Callie found her clock radio and bashed it violently, until it stopped singing. The song hurt her head, causing yet another headache. A series of questions crossed her mind. Did she have work? Where is Sophia? Where's my wife? Why do I now have a full sized body pillow beside me? What is the day, today? Then she remembered...

_...Why is everything so horrible?_

She woke up the same way, everyday. Every morning, Callie would wake up and curse the same blond woman for making her life miserable. She blamed her for acting the way she had and for ruining the amazing bond they had shared. Why?

She recalled which day of the week it was...

_"Oh god! Why does it have to be Monday again? Why did Cristina and I drink so much again last night? Tequila is nasty. ...I am Never. Drinking. Again!" _Callie promised herself.

Well, maybe tonight. _No, it can't be tonight. I need to take care of Sofia, take her to the park, do something nice_. _Just us. Derek and Meredith were kind enough to take her for the weekend. Thank god they did, I needed the rest. _

It wasn't easy being a single mum. Sofia had once had three adults to take care of her. Callie was used to two extra sets of hands. Sofia may have been a placid baby at times but she had inherited her mother's stubbornness and her father's cockiness and it showed now she was a toddler. Arizona had been able to sooth her. Callie resented her for that. _We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for her. _

Thoughts of the weekend filled her head, and Callie groaned, hugging her recently purchased body pillow. A pillow wasn't the same as a person. She felt a moment of guilt as she remembered what she had said and done on Friday. The moment was shattered as she recalled _why exactly,_ she had behaved that way. The guilt vanished, soon to be replaced by anger.

Murphy had been all over her wife, right in front of her. Arizona had done nothing to stop it. She had let it happen while Callie had watched, until she had had felt forced to act. Arizona was heartless, selfish and cruel. Callie had reacted naturally by marking what was _hers_. She had chased that pale, shallow, waif away with nothing more than a look. That had been fun. It had felt sooo good. Callie laughed then, a small laugh, as she remembered seeing Leah's rear end scamper off. _That will teach her, challenging me_. My how that intern could run! _Does that spineless, talentless, brazen and needy little fool think she can replace me?_ She would show her. She would show them both.

Callie's memory wandered back to the dance. Pressing her body so closely behind Arizona on the dance floor felt amazing. She could feel her every curve. She felt so soft. The way Arizona's body had moulded to hers had been a soothing balm to her blistered and bleeding soul. The push and pull between them felt electric and addictive. Their kiss had been slow and languorous. The anger she currently felt was powerful. Whatever game they were playing, it felt thrilling. Callie was aroused, it had been ages since she had had release. Today was going to be fun. The radio turned itself on, "...four cigarettes...".

She squinted her eyes. The radio stopped.

I have a staff meeting before work. _This is going to be fun_.

...


	19. Callie IV part 2

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

Sorry guys I'm really looking forward to this story turning fluffy. Eventually it will, but not yet. Our ladies are still at each other's throats. I've also kinda set a challenge for myself. There are so many fics out there which are brilliant. They have put our ladies back together with so many solutions, I don't want to copy. As this is my first fic I want something different. I said to myself. "Ok in this fic: no counselling. These two will come together because they fight it out, and develop as people. No life or death situations." It's proving a big challenge. I will prevail though. Also Callie hasn't really had her crisis yet. She's more stubborn than Arizona, and had more reserves at the start of this fic, so it will take a while.

...

Callie took her time getting ready. She'd had a languid, luxurious shower, instead of her usual utilitarian scrub. She enjoyed the scent of her honey and almond body wash, and revelled in the feel of the foam bubbles. These days Callie rarely had the luxury of looking after just herself. Her shampoo washed away the smell of the previous evening. It couldn't wash her nightmare away though. She kept seeing Murphy wrapped around her wife. _How on earth can you get into a shower with a prosthetic still on? _She didn't remember her wife's leg being waterproof, and why didn't her nightmare include handrails in the shower? She chose logic to help her.

_"...Because it's a stupid nightmare. It would never happen in real life, that would be ludicrous." _

Why am I concentrating so much on logic?

_"...because it hurts. It hurts that she did this. She's so obsessed with her leg, why doesn't she realise I love her as she is? I see her as my wife who happens to be missing a leg__? Not as a one legged blond. I don't care if she's missing a leg, I care that she thinks so little of me as to cheat. It hurts, she slept with two other women and we are still married, yet she's not interested in sleeping with me. I shouldn't be feeling guilty so...why am I?"_

Guilt was too uncomfortable. It lead to thoughts that she didn't welcome. Those thoughts, led to more feelings that she didn't want to feel. It was an endlless cycle; a downward spiral: crash and burn._ No thanks_. Callie buried her feelings of guilt and hurt so far down into herself that she couldn't feel anything but anger. She turned off the tap. Stepping out of the shower, Callie located a freshly washed and fluffy towel and used it to dry herself, concentrating heavily on that feeling. _Clean towels are the best! _Callie padded across the floor to her wardrobe. She picked out some black pants and a deep green top, then headed back to the bathroom to fix her hair. She made black coffee, two sugars. It was heaven. In the fridge there were some frozen croissants. She heated one up in the microwave. It was a good breakfast. A good way to start a Monday. She looked at her wristwatch. She had better get moving if she wanted to have 30 minutes with Sofia before the board meeting at 9am.

Callie walked briskly across the road from her and entered the Grey-Sloan Memorial hospital. She headed to the daycare centre.

Callie watched from the doorway, Zola and Sofia were already there. Sofia was stacking big, coloured blocks on top of one another and then knocking them over. She giggled when they crashed.

Zola was playing with plasticine. She was molding a pink, blue and purple princess out of three strands of play dough. Callie smiled and sighed and came in. Sofia saw her mum and rushed over to her. She hugged her leg, before being picked up, and hugged properly. Callie would have swung her round but the room had too much stuff in it for a swinging hug not to be dangerous. Sofia relaxed into the hug for a minute. She sighed contentedly and then she squirmed asking to be let down. Callie put her down and Sofia grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her in the direction of the floor. Callie followed. She sat down with her daughter on the floor, Sofia happily sitting in her lap. Sofia giggled and then squirmed away, got up and sat beside her mother facing the blocks.

"Here", Sofia passed her a red block.

"Thanks Sophia, are you passing me the red block" Callie took it and put it on the floor. It was the start of a tower.

"Red block. Here.." Sophia passed her a green block.

"Ooh, that's a green block, thank you for passing me the green block."

And so the game went on. A good ten minutes before Sophia looked up and a wide smile suffused her face. Callie looked in the direction of Sofia's gaze and it felt like the floor dropped from beneath her. Standing at the edge of the doorway was Arizona, she was watching the whole scene. She smelt like strawberries. She looked so beautiful. The morning light lit her hair, from behind making her look like a fairy. She saw Callie and Sofia looking. She started to take a step forward, then she stopped about to leave the room. Sophia ran over to her and held both hands above her head, asking to be picked up. Arizona looked up at Callie for a moment and not reading anything in her face bent down and picked her daughter up, crushing her to her and stroking her hair and face. She examined her feverishly, kissing her forehead and her cheeks repeatedly.

"'Zona, stay, Mama stay please." Sophia was about to throw a tantrum, her face were watery and her bottom lip quivered. Arizona hugged her, stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. She seemed to be favouring her right shoulder.

"Mama loves you sweetheart. I'll be back soon, I'll come see you at lunch okay?" She put Sofia down and looked again at Callie. Callie refused to look at her. She hadn't moved or even acknowledged Arizona. Arizona grimaced and Callie looked down. The next time she looked up Arizona was gone. Callie's alarm went off signalling her board meeting. Callie gave Sofia a hug and a kiss and left. It was hard to leave and one of the daycare worker had to come and settle her down.

...

Callie reached the boardroom before anyone else. She chose a spot facing the large window that looked out onto the main floor. Callie always liked her back to face the wall. No surprises that way. She took a sip of her coffee before relaxing into her chair. It was so hard to leave her daughter at daycare, but she had no choice if she wanted to continue with her career, and she really loved her work. She was really good at what she did. There was once a time when the only people who recognised that talent were Weber, Callie, Arizona, Mark and herself. Now everybody did. There had been many times when she had felt like a failure. At those times Arizona had been so supportive, the Ted talk, her speech, encouraging Callie to ask for a job as an attending, cartilage research, the list went on. She couldn't have done it without Arizona at her side, believing in her. So why did she cheat?

Callie felt conflicted. It was so easy to be angry, but how can you keep that anger going when you've just seen someone you loath treat your daughter so lovingly?

The answer appeared to her from the window. She stood up and looked out of the glass pane watching Leah talk to her wife. Arizona appeared to be telling Leah something. Leah didn't seem happy, it looked like a lovers quarrel. Leah glanced over and caught Callie staring and smiled. She touched Arizona's arm and looked back at Callie. Arizona frowned, mumbled something and walked away.

Game on...

...

Arizona entered the boardroom a minute later. She saw Callie and hesitated before making her way over to one of the chairs on the opposite side of the table, almost an L-shape in relation to Callie.

"So you don't even want to sit near me these days, huh?" Callie asked offended.

"No, it's more that I don't really feel the need for a staring contest, which makes everyone else in the boardroom feel uneasy. As entertaining as all that is I don't really want to make everyone feel uncomfortable. I'd rather we talked. Can we do that, I have a new place. I want time with Sofia?"

"Why would I want to talk to you? Why would I let you have Sofia when I don't know the kind of environment that she's walking into. Does Leah even like children?"

"Callie...fine, be like that. Because it's so attractive, and Leah and I are over. I told her this morning. You could come over and see the place?" Arizona asked hopefully.

"Oh, well good for you, but I'm sorry Arizona. I can't trust you with our child. I don't know who you might bring round."

"Callie, are you going to force us to fignt this out in court."

"Do whatever you want. I'll win."

"Do you really want to do this to Sofia? Punish her for my actions?" Arizona asked.

"I want what's best for my child. I don't trust the company you keep." Anyone could be there. Who knew what Sofia might be exposed too ?

There was an awkward silence in the room. Emotions were high and the two of them were both upset. Callie looked at her phone., checking to see if she had any emails. Arizona shifted in her chair. She stretched out her arms and felt her shoulder.

"Ouch, shouldn't stretch just yet...dammit, not a good idea", Arizona was saying to herself. What on earth?

"What's the matter with your shoulder?" Callie asked unable to keep her curiosity at bay.

"Oh, nothing really. April and I may have each got a tattoo, mine isn't finished yet. It still needs another three or four sessions. Just the outline and basic colouring at the moment, but it hurts like hell." Arizona informed her.

"Arizona, what the hell? You're a paediatric surgeon. You can't have a tattoo. Maybe Avery can remove it for you if you ask him nicely." Her wife had clearly lost her mind.

"Callie, maybe I don't want to remove it, ever thought of that? Maybe it means something to me. Did you think to ask me or did you just decide for me?" Arizona looked angry. It was so something Callie wasn't used to seeing. Her eyes were clear, ice blue and her breathing was laboured. She looked directly at Callie and didn't break eye contact.

"...What's happening to you these days?" Arizona asked. "You're mean, vindictive, kinda judgemental and...boring. I don't even recognise the woman I fell in love with. You're turning bitter and revengeful, and it doesn't suit you. I can't believe you said what you said on Friday, that was low. And I can't believe you won't let me have time with my child." Arizona looked ready to cry, but she was refusing to back down.

"I can't believe you did what you did on Friday ...but whatever. What else can I expect from my slut of a wife, how's Leah? I bet she likes your tattoo."

"Fuck you." Arizona gritted out. "...how's it working for you? Blaming me for your actions?"

"You tell me, you're the master of it." Callie shot back. Just then Derrek, Meredith, Bailey, and Owen entered the room.

Let the games begin...

...


	20. Arizona - VI

**Disclaimer:** The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

As requested. Angst with a serve of fluff on the side. I'm being nice today. I bet you can tell where I would have ended this normally, but yes it's all gloom on Grey's, time for a teensy tiny reprieve.

...

Arizona was really not in the right frame of mind for this meeting. How had things become so rotten between them, that they traded insults before the start of a boardroom meeting. Thing really were bad. It was mostly her fault and she accepted it, just quietly to herself. How could she make things better?

It was all so confusing. She was so deep in thought that that she didn't hear her name being called. She was miles away.

"Roooooooobbins? Robbins!"

Owen's voice cut though her musings, bringing her back to reality.

"We are just going round the table checking in on what everyone is doing today, starting with you, Doctor Robbins. What are your responsibilities today?"

Arizona blinked and said, "Oh well, okay then, sorry, erm.. today I have a few small surgeries. Tonsils mostly in the morning. I think there's about six back to back? It's the start of flu season and some of the tiny humans have never ending tonsillitis. One or two of my patients find it hard to breath. I suggested to the parents we take those tonsils out, and now there's a tonsillitis pileup. Everyone wants there tonsils out. Alex has about six as well. Tomorrow it's the same story. They only take about 30 minutes each?"

Arizona was babbling but she couldn't help it. The stress of her horrible argument moments ago combined with other stresses. She was straining with the effort of trying to hold her emotions in. And now she was embarrassed because had just been caught daydreaming. So she was producing an endless word salad. "...and in the afternoon I'm hoping to do a checkup on Riley. I didn't get to see him last friday. I believe Christina would also like to be present."

Christina looked up and said, "I would. Could you please page me. I may not be able to come and see Riley as I have a triple bypass surgery and I have no idea how long it may take, but I'll try and make it."

"Yeah sure I'll get one of the interns to page you."

Oh dear, bad choice of words. Callie looked up and glared at her resentfully._ "Please don't share our dirty laundry in gossip central hospital today. I couldn't stand it_." Arizona thought to herself. "_Just give me time to make this right. To do something nice"._

"Arizona's good with the interns they all seem to like_ her_." Callie said from the other end of the table.

_Oh no. No. No. No. No. No. No...please stop._

Had she hurt her so much that this was all they had left? Her tattoo itched, her leg throbbed, she felt queasy. "_I thought I was better. Why aren't I better_?" A tiny voice from the bottom of her brain answered her.

_"You think you go through one little thing, get a tattoo and decide to face life and that's it? You're an intelligent woman you know that life is complex. Nothing ever just happens unless you make it happen. Thought isn't action. Action is action. You've done absolutely nothing to make amends."_

_True, still it would help me if Callie wasn't being a complete jerk. I really wish she would let me see Sophia. She's so angry these days. It's like looking at myself in the mirror a year ago. Totally caught up in my anger. I don't know how I climbed out of that. It took months. I guess I lost my leg and she lost...me. I don't want her to go down that road. It's horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. _

Callie was glaring at her, resentfully_. _

_I really don't know how many times I can keep apologising to her though. I have said sorry, but she never believes me. I don't know how much longer I can go on being the sole source of blame. It wasn't just me. I mean I don't ever remember Callie taking responsibility for her actions. What about Mark?_

She had always been second in that relationship. It's hard enough being gay and living life as a second class citizen in society, with all those stares. But you get used to it. You toughen up and learn to stare right back and occasionally have a bit of fun with the homophobes. It's harder still being gay and competing constantly with a man, for the love of your life. On top of that throw in a child! I mean that's like worst nightmare stuff. Callie had never show the vaguest amount of empathy for her, always expecting her to come running, and she had. There was literally no willingness to understand anything. Arizona felt herself start to get really, really angry. Her face was becoming flushed. Her temper wasn't improved by the fact that Callie was studying her. Callie's face showed hurt and anger. Those big, brown Latina eyes watched her, trying to understand her, by sight alone it seemed. Why did she have to be so amazing. Such a gorgeous, extraordinary human being. It made it impossible to move on. She couldn't move on. She'd just live with chickens and cats the rest of her life if need be. Maybe she could find a farmer. Farmers had nice arms. _Orthopaedic surgeons have nice arms and legs and lips... don't go there_...And she was back...

Owen meanwhile moved onto Derek in the boardroom.

"Well, I'll be doing more research into mapping the brain. I hope Torres will be joining me today in the lab".

Callie looked up, flicking her long, dark hair backwards, "Er no can do, today, I'm afraid, I have a massive knee reconstruction after this meeting. It will take about two hours. My patient, Steve has a patella that isn't well aligned. It's a hereditary condition, and everyone in his family has lax ligaments. As a result his knee constantly dislocates. I'm going to change his alignment by shifting the position of the tibial tubercle on the shin bone to pull his patella more to the inner side of the knee."

_Orthopaedic surgeons have nice sexy voices when describing complex medical procedures._ Her traitorous voice continued. S_hut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up._

"Sounds good, Callie, I'm sure Steve will be very pleased with the result, okay, Meredith what's your day look like?

Meredith preened and looked up, "Well I am doing more research into portal veins today. I also have a liver cancer patient who needs a tumour out. I have scheduled him in this afternoon."

"Good, good, excellent. And lastly Bailey, welcome back."

"Thank you, it's good to be back."

Everyone clapped and said welcome back Bailey, Arizona included. This all felt so robotic. Arizona couldn't breath. She needed air. She needed air now.

Bailey was explaining what surgeries she had today.

"Well I have a bowel resection, after this meeting. Then I'm training some of those new deadbeat residents...and I..."

Callie death stared her again. Arizona felt herself grow furious. How dare she judge me. _Physician heal thyself_. Arizona couldn't breath. She had to get out of that meeting, this instant. She stood up and looked at her pager, "Please excuse my one of my patients has arrived early, I must check on him immediately. Excuse me, sorry." She lied. She left the meeting and headed for the elevator.

There was a place that Arizona sometimes went. A secret place that no one else knew about. Between the 11th and 12th stairway was a balcony. It was part of a bigger design for the hospital but it had been forgotten about over time. It looked onto the car park below. Arizona loved it up there because there was so much wind it felt like she was flying. She could breath up there, be free with no one watching her, judging her. The wind always blew her troubles away. She'd been coming up here more often of late. When the judgemental looks became overwhelming, which had become more frequent after the storm. There is only so much staring back you could do, before it wears away at your confidence. It was even worse when she realised that part of the reason the other doctors, nurses and hospital staff were looking at her was because of her reputation as a slut. They wanted a piece of her.

They disgusted her. All of them. She wasn't a thing. She was a person, with hopes and dreams.

Arizona caught the elevator up to the eleventh floor. She exited the lift and walked to the stairwell. It was just so hopeless. She opened the door onto the balcony ensuring it wouldn't lock behind her and leave her stranded. She leaned over the balcony and breathed. She let the wind wash over her brain. She felt herself become part of the wind.

Her phone chirped, there was a text message. The sound broke the spell of the wind.

It was Leah ..

...

**Hey Ari, I'm really sorry about this morning, let me make it up to you xox- Leah**

**...**

Damn it, did it never stop. It just wasn't fair. Fuck Callie and her unforgiving ways. She didn't even give Arizona A chance to talk.

**"Fuck you... Callie**" she screamed at the wind. What did it matter if she shouted. There was nobody to hear.

"Fuck you!" It felt so hard and Leah was so easy, perhaps she was dreaming, thinking Callie could ever forgive her. Perhaps she could settle. Maybe Leah liked chickens.

"Fuck you for making this so hard", Arizona logged back into her phone beginning to text Leah a reply, and then she heard a teeny tiny patter of feet.

The door closed again.

A small boy, about the age of seven stood grinning at her, cheekily. He wore a mischievous expression on his happy face.

"Fuck!" he said. Grinning. Pleased that he had found another person who enjoyed his favourite word. "Fuck, fuck you Callie, you annoy me."

He looked up inviting Arizona to share in his love of this word.

"Fuck" he shouted at the wind, encouraging Arizona to also shout again.

Arizona knew she shouldn't encourage such bad behaviour, but that could be remedied later. For now she would take things as they came in the form of this boy with a filthy mouth.

She lent out over the balcony, "fuuuck".

"Fuck" he said again, then he looked up and put his had on his chest. "Riley". Arizona smiled. She put her hand on her chest and said, "Arizona". Riley smiled and grabbed Arizona's hand. He shook it vigorously before letting it go. Then he hugged her leg. Her prosthetic leg. His face looked up in shock.

"Wicked ArZona, fuck!" He hugged her leg again.

Arizona couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. Riley grinned a massive impish grin and also giggled. Arizona realised she was being a ridiculous drama queen. She deleted Leah's message and blocked her number. Leah could page her like every other staff member at this hospital.

Riley grabbed her hand and started walking. "Geriatrics ward" he said. "They have guitar hero, come!"

Arizona followed him to the geriatrics ward. They spent about an hour playing. Riley won.

...

After doing the tonsil operations, Arizona headed to orthopaedics. She went there with one purpose in mind to see Callie. Arizona found her in her office. She closed the door behind her.

"Can we talk?"


	21. Callie-V (revised)

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually.

Ty for the feedback.

Yes I have a definite path for Callie, always have had. I've been trying to show how truly lost **both** of them have become-** both of them**. I haven't exactly painted Arizona as angel eithor, what she's done on the show and in this fic is **not ok,** even if there are reasons for it. Cheating is not okay. Leah is not okay, even if I did feel sorry for her in S10ep9. Being told to get dressed and leave, cold. I want to eventually bring Calzona to the point of dancing and roller skates and drinking in bed by the time this fic is finished, but they have to sort through a lot IMO before that can happen. Loved s10ep 9 it was beautiful and fantastic, but nothing was resolved. There all this hurt and pain underneath, which I'm sure will be fixed beautifully on tv. This is my take though.

This chapter has gone back to a deep, dark, heavy, angst confrontation theme- **warning** there. This is a messy chapter. Knives are out. Feelings are raw and they are both saying what's underneath. Let me know what you think, and if I've been fair to both side. I won't change this chapter again (other then to correct grammar and punctuation) but anything you say I'll address later. This fic is prob not for everyone...and that's okay.

**Warning**: PTSD is mentioned as well as trauma. I don't know what your triggers are, but if it's a risk for you, this may be a trigger. Please exercise caution.

...

_Callie was in her office, nursing her head. She had yet another oncoming migraine. She'd had a lot more of these lately, not really coping with the stress and anger she felt since her split up with Arizona. She regretted her hasty words and actions. Arizona had told her that she didn't recognise her anymore. The thing was when Callie looked in the mirror she didn't recognise herself eithor. What had happened? Callie had been so caught up in her anger that she had forgotten how to live and especially how to laugh and dance. Callie used to feel so spontaneous and free. She used to cook and dance. Life was fun. Where had that gone? Had it all blown away with one storm? Had it been nothing but a house of cards. Ergh, my head. Callie popped two advils and drank them with a glass of water. Maybe she could make a few changes and loosen up a little, starting with Sofia. Arizona had told her she had a new place, and that was what Callie had asked. It was time to start sharing again. Callie was curious as to what he new place looked like. She resolved to have a discussion with her ex as soon as possible. It was time to work out arrangements and ease up a bit, share custody. Callie didn't feel good, she felt horrible. There was a knock at the door. It was Arizona. She looked like she had been crying. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was messy, and her lower lip quivered. Little blond wisps framed her head. She looked sad but also determined._

_"Can we talk?" She asked. Callie was silent. She didn't know what to say. Over the last couple of weeks they had done it all. They had yelled, pleaded, flirted, kissed, seduced one another and danced. They hadn't actually talked. It looked like that was about to change. Callie wordlessly gestured to the empty chair in the office. Arizona sat down._

_"Callie can we talk? About us? I feel horrible about how we treated each other earlier today. I know things are hard between us but that was a nightmare. I don't like where we are headed. It's even more awful than separating. " Arizona said._

_"I know, I don't like it either. I don't know if I can forgive you after what you'rve done, but you are right about seeing Sofia. You can have her Tuesday, Wednesday and the weekend if you like, then we can make more stable arangments. Sofia and I have plans tonight. This morning I was angry and you kinda dumped infomation on me about your new place and access this morning. I didn't know you were looking for a new place. I was in shock. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for implying you are a whore, even if you are. But I shouldn't have said it to you. So yeah, sorry."_

_Arizona looked confused, "Wow I was expecting a fight. Thanks. What happened. You made me so mad this morning, now your actually behaving like a decent human being."_

_Callie looked down, then up. "My father happened. He said I shouldn't give up on my family, that he cheated on my mum and she took him back. It made me think, that I've been a bit harsh. So I was wondering, Arizona. If you would like to move back in with me?"_

_"What!"' Arizona screamed. "No way! Callie why would I want to do that? You have treated me horribly, like a criminal for most of this year. I know i was at fault. I shouldn't have cheated on you, but no way in hell...Callie you have called me a slut in front of my colleagues, you have treated me awfully. Why would I do that?"_

_"Because we are family and I'm trying to forgive you." Callie shouted back testily._

_"..and that's really noble of you but it doesn't work like that, gawd!" Arizona got up and started walking towards the door. "I will pick Sofia up from daycare tomorrow. Talk to you later". She left the room._

_"Sorry for trying to be nice!" Callie called after her._

_Callie let her head fall onto her desk. Then she woke up..._

...

Callie had fallen asleep on her desk in her office. She had been writing case notes about her successful operation on Steve earlier that day. Steve was sleeping like a baby the last time Callie had checked. She'd prescribed some quality pain medication for him. Controlled pain meant a faster healing process. If only life was as easy as surgery. Callie was quite tired. All the arguing with her former wife, as well as everything that was happening was wearing her out.

She held her head. What the? What brought that dream on. Oh my god! Even in her dreams Arizona was self righteous and unreasonable. Callie found herself becoming angry at Arizona. As if she would ask her to move back in after what she had done. Her behaviour this morning had been beyond insulting. As for custody, that was more complicated. Custody would need to be dealt with sooner rather than later. It would get really ugly otherwise. There was no need to deal with it tonight, though. It had been a long day and Callie had plans for herself and Sofia. Callie would text Arizona and sort the joint custody arrangements this week. Arizona had only got her place yesterday, and Callie had yet to be convinced that Arizona had ended it with Leah. Wow, she would never be the kind of pushover that she had been in her dream. Forgiveness had to be asked for and earnt, as did trust.

She heard the door open.

It was Arizona. She looked like she had been crying. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was messy, and her lower lip quivered. Little blond wisps framed her head. She looked determined. Talk about déjà vu.

"Can we talk?" She asked. Callie was silent. Wow, that was scary. This was exactly like her dream. Just like in her dream Callie gestured to the empty chair in the office.

"Callie can we talk? About us?" Arizona tried again.

"Well I don't know what you want to say. I don't know if there is anything you can say after what you did." Callie said stiffly. This was more like it. Arizona was ready for a fight. She was in marine mode. Callie was ready.

"Callie I can't do this with you any longer. I know I started it by kissing you when we clearly weren't ready for that. I blurred the boundaries. You're still furious with me and rightfully so, I called it wrong. I'm sorry, I panicked. I do stupid things when I panic. It wasn't the best move. I think we need to stop, before we really hurt one another, and there's no going back."

Callie stood up. She took a step forward. Her face was frowning. "It's a bit late for that, isn't it, Arizona? Your've already hurt me so much. Why would we go.. back? You have taken every joy I have, and just sucked it out till there's nothing left but a black hole. You have humiliated me repeatedly by sleeping with other women, so yes talk to me about hurt, by all means, lets compare notes, and again please feel free to blame me for everything." Callie said. Her hurt was so deep. It was bubbling to the surface just talking about it and she didn't like it. She tried to push the hurt away with anger. A single tear made it's way onto the floor, followed closely by another._ No I refuse to cry._

"I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming us, for getting to this point. We punish each other needlessly, without talking about what's really on our mind, and it's making things even worse than they already are. I won't be the person that destroys you and turns you into a me after I came back from the plane crash. I fell into a black hole so deep that I'm just starting to climb out of it, now. I refuse to play that game with you." Arizona said.

This was how she was going to play it, no way. How dare she try to seize the higher moral ground. "Oh that game? What makes you think I want to talk to you, after what you've done. Where do you get off?" Callie asked incredulously. "You have a hide, coming to talk to me after cheating on me with two women, and then worrying about my soul. Callie walked forward invading Arizona's personal space. ..."I stayed by your side Arizona. I took your leg and you took everything else. I put up with your behaviour because I felt guilty, even though I had no choice. You would have died... You asked me not to leave and I didn't. You left me, you slept with that Boswell women. You slept with Murphy, who we both work with. Our relationship was so intense, sexy and romantic once, what happened? And you have the gall to come here and talk about my actions and my games, what about yours, hmmm. Why would I want to talk to you when you never take responsibility for you actions?" Callie put her hand on the bridge of her nose. Another headache was coming her way, thanks to Arizona.

"I don't think you want to talk, actually. You never do. You just want to punish me over and over again. And I deserve it. I do. I'm sorry for my actions. I shouldn't have cheated on you with Lauren. Or with Leah. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I would take it all back if I could. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I was in pain and shock, all I could think was that you broke your promise. I thought I had died on that plane. The first thing I remember was Cristina yelling at me to shut up. I had to take care of myself. My femur was sticking up out of my leg and I had to be my own doctor, and splint my own leg. Christina, Meredith and Derek looked after each other, while I coughed up blood. I wake up in the middle of the night reliving my memories it over and over again. I am there. I can smell the blood and dirt. I can smell the rot in my leg. I can hear the animals. No one would help me. I had to nurse Mark and watch him slip away. It was never about you, I was so lost...trying to crawl out of that mess all on my own. With no help. I know that's no excuse. I'd keep apologising if I thought things would get better but it's pretty obvious they won't. You've publicly humiliated me at the hospital, you have called me a slut repeatedly. You kicked me out of our flat, you declared me dead. I can't see my child. You treat me like a whore, I give in. You win. I'm backing off"

"Get out then...go, run away, like you always do!" Callie yelled, she went right up to Arizona face. There was a hairs breath between them. She looked at Arizona's lips. "Arizona you have been a untrustworthy, selfish, and self-righteous. You have no right to my apartment. It's mine. I was aparently being far too nice. Now get out of my office, before I remove your pale, white, cheating ass from this room forcibly."

"No!" Arizona said levelly, standing toe to toe with Callie and folding her arms. She stared hard at Callie, not giving an inch. "We need to have this talk, it's waited long enough and it's way overdue. I refuse to be your punching bag any longer. I accept my actions. I live with my mistakes. I destroyed our family. But we are talking this out because it's affecting everything" Arizona stood firm, seemingly accepting of Callie's anger.

Callie was in no way ready for that conversation. She pointed at Arizona. "You did this, you made this happen. You broke my heart. You ripped it out. I would have helped you if you had asked. I would have talked to you. I was begging to be close to you. I never thought that you of all people would do this to me and hurt me so much. But you did. You were always such a support and then you came back from the plane and I didn't recognise you, do you have any idea what that is like?" Callie asked, pleading for understanding.

"I'm starting to" Arizona yelled, "I don't recognise you, right now. You were always so kind, and generous. Your heart was so big it was the first thing I saw and it was beautiful to look at. You were always so unsure of your greatness. But I always saw it. I always believed in you. This angry women I'm looking at right now, I don't recognise. This isn't you, your so much better than this..." Arizona looked Callie up and down. Then she continued, "... It's because I hurt you so deeply? You're trying to protect yourself and I get that. Don't go down this path Callie. It's really hard to come back, when you cloak yourself in anger if feels liberating but it isn't. It just makes it harder to deal with stuff in the long run, trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

"Arizona, you can rest assured that you have no impact on me right now. Whatever path I go down is not your concern. Why don't you worry about yourself instead of me. I find you concern insulting. Now get out of my office."

Arizona squinted her eyes, "Not before we come to some agreement about Sofia. I miss her and I want time with her."

Callie rolled her eyes, "Oh for Gods sake. I was going to sort that out this week, anyway. You can have her from Thursday until Monday. Do it though daycare because I don't want you for a while. That is if your place is ready by then. Is it?"

Arizona nodded, "It is."

"Good, then leave. It's been a long day and I'm far to tired to deal with your shit". Callie snapped.

"I was already going".

The door slammed. Arizona had left. Of all the frustrating people in this world, Arizona had to be one of the biggest. Callie wanted to throw something after her. She kicked her bin instead.

...


	22. Owen

**Disclaimer**: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All places mentioned are fictitious.

**Warning:** Please be aware I am not a qualified psychiatrist or a psychologist, even though I do have counselling and special ed teaching qualifications. Riley isn't entirely made up, he's a hybrid of some of the students I've had. Some of the opinions expressed below are for artistic and literary purposes only. If you do need help I encourage you to seek it out, theres no shame in seeking help. Often, it only takes a phone call and there are agencies listed all over the web. In Australia your GP can help refer you. I don't know about America. This chapter deals with anger, grief and trauma, I've kept it mild but I don't know what your personal story is or what triggers you may have.

**AN**: Okay if you've stuck with me so far, than thank you. I know I've lost a few of you, but that's bound to happen if a story doesn't go the way some want. I know you guys crave fluff, but nope, sorry not this story. Fluff just wasn't believable for me since the start of season 10. I read brilliant and beautiful happy stories and they just made me cry because season 9/10 is so tough. I'm writing angst so I can enjoy the happy. Ironic right? The good news is that the painful decent of this fic is over, for now. I think Calzona has reached the bottom of the hill...time to start the climb back and restore that thing called hope. There's always someone who helps you out of that deep dark place, right? That's my experience anyway. Always a light...and its not a train. This is the start of Callie's journey. Its a wordy but necessary chapter for Callie. There can't be chemistry for a while yet, but give me time.

Also the position for beta remains open. Or, you can stick with my unique grammar. Yes even a teaching qualification didn't fix my dyslexia. I love my dyslexia though, wouldn't change it for the world.

...

"Callie..." Owen called softly, trying to get the Latina's attention. Callie didn't appear to have heard him. She was lost in her own thoughts, and miles away. It was 6:00pm on a Friday night. The board meeting had finished half an hour ago. Owen had returned to the room because his phone was missing. He reasoned that it had probably slipped out of his pocket so he'd retraced his steps back to boardroom. Entering the room he saw Callie still sitting at the table, staring into space, oblivious to her surroundings. The lights were still on. Owen put his coffee cup on the table, Callie didn't acknowledged him. Owen bent down to search for his phone under his chair and found his cell. He unlocked it and checked for messages. There was one from Emma. He sat down and opened it.

**Hi sweetie, can we rain-check for tonight and maybe have lunch together? My surgery is going over time and I am wrecked, I'm just going to go home and sleep. Call me in the morning? xox**

Owen scratched his head. Lunch would suit but it also left his evening free. He didn't feel like being alone after the huge week he had had, balancing finances and writing government grants for equipment. What to do? Owen typed a response back**, lunch would be fantastic, pick you up at 11:30. We can go to Toscani's? **He pressed send, and then placed his phone in the back pocket of his work trousers. He had been looking forward to dinner tonight, Emma was pleasant company. He did understand Emma's need to be alone tonight. The life of a surgeon could be exhausting and sometimes you just needed sleep. Owen weighed his options. He could have an early night. He could go to the bar and have a drink. Or, he could talk to the broken and lost woman sitting opposite him. Owen liked Callie and he respected her as a talented professional. He wanted to help. He lifted his coffee cup, examined it, weighed it and took a sip. It was cold. He put his cup down. He looked up and tried again.

"Callie..." Owen prompted. When she didn't answer he got up and walked around the table. He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Hey Callie, are you alright?" He asked gently. Callie didn't look alright, she looked terrible and Owen was worried. Over the last couple of days tension had been high between Callie and her former wife, both had been ignoring and avoiding the other. It was taking a heavy toll. Owen wasn't sure what the details were. Callie and Arizona were always a hot source of hospital gossip. Owen didn't have much time for gossip but he had heard that there was a particularly nasty fight between them this week at the hospital. Owen liked both women equally and they were both his friends. It seemed like Callie was in more need of his friendship than Arizona at the moment. Arizona had found her friend in April and the two were rarely apart. Rumour was they had both got a tattoo. No one had seen any tattoos through the scrubs, so he wasn't sure if it was true. The nurses called April and Arizona the 'perky sisters'. Arizona wasn't actually particularly perky and her enthusiasm seemed a little forced to the talented observer. When she didn't think anyone was watching she looked sad, if she saw them watching she gave her dimpled smile. However, she was coping. Callie wasn't. Neither of the women looked like themselves. Professionally they still were on top of their game. Arizona was still loved by her 'tiny humans' while Callie was still a rockstar with a scalpel, bit neither had their spark. They were just stronger and happier together than they were apart. If only they would fix their relationship. It was so painful to watch. Owen remembered the days when Callie and Arizona were 'the couple' in the hospital. Everyone admired them, no one ever thought it would change. He remembered the times when they shared every lunch together. They were good company and a lot of fun. Sometimes he had sat with them, along with Teddy. That was before everything became so messed up, before Cristina and he had become so messed up. He felt sad when he recalled those days. Things seemed tough back then, and many thought life wouldn't get tougher. They were wrong. Life throws a lot of unexpected curveballs.

He remembered the time when Cristina and he had been forced to find a place because Callie and Arizona couldn't keep their hands off each other. They didn't care who was in the room as they ripped each others clothes off and slammed the door behind them. They had giggled the entire way. He and Christina shared a similar relationship once. Now look at them all, happiness had faded in an instant. His situation and Callie's didn't seem all that different. Except, Callie and Arizona had split because of cheating whereas Cristina and he had split because they had different life plans. He wanted children, she didn't and she loved him too much to stand in the way of his dreams of fatherhood. Life is strange like that. Owen pulled a chair out and sat beside Callie.

Callie blinked a couple of times and shook her long dark hair. She looked up and slowly became aware of her surroundings. She turned to Owen.

"Where is everyone?" She asked.

"They went home. The meeting finished half an hour ago, you stayed, I came back for my phone..." he prompted, "...seeing you here now, like this, I'm also checking on you. I'm worried about you. You were miles away at the board meeting this afternoon. Normally you're a full participant in any discussion. Also, you're sitting here while everyone else is gone, staring into space on a friday night." Owen observed.

"Callie do you want to tell me what's on your mind? You never know, I might be able to help." He offered. Callie looked down again at the table. She fiddled with her folder, "I don't know if you can help. Things are such a mess I'm just trying to survive and live, you know?"

Owen nodded. They were both trying to survive and live, except..."living and surviving are two different things. You're surviving, but you're no longer living."

"Yeah, I'm a survivor, but it just never let's up. I'm getting tired. She's all I can think about, her and the fact that this life isn't what I wanted. Anyway it's driving me crazy." Callie said. "I'm angry all the time and I can't help it. It's not me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and the eyes staring back at me aren't mine."

"I think, when someone has been hurt as much as you have, by someone you love that it's completely natural to be angry for a while. It just depends what you do with your anger? That's my experience, anyway. Anger is good for a while. It hides the hurt underneath and gives energy in the short term, but it does bad things to your body and your mind in the long run. At least, that's what I've noticed with my friends. It's also what I've discovered from my own life experience."

Callie looked up, "your friends from the war?" she asked.

Owen nodded, "yeah, we all went through a lot, lost very good people over there. I lost some wonderful friends. We saw things no one should see and it changed us. Turned me into someone I didn't recognise in the mirror. Someone who hurt the ones I love, as you remember. I tried to strangle Cristina once. But it was Cristina brought me back, she never gave up on me. Well it was her and a good therapist. However Callie, I had PTSD, I don't think you have that but you do have chronic stress and grief underneath all that attitude. You seem to me to be someone who gets angry fast and then gets over it, usually."

Callie nodded, she said softly, "I also don't recognise myself anymore. Yes I'm normally quick to anger and quick to forgive, but I just can't seem to let this go. Is that wrong? I wasn't in any war? What's wrong with me? I don't need therapy." She frowned.

"Callie it doesn't take a war to change you. We have all been through a lot in the last two years. I mean the plane crash for a start uprooted us all. You also had to look after your wife when she came back. She was completely different in her personality, we all saw it. If she was anything like Cristina I'm sure you went through hell..." Owen had gone though hell but there was no way he would leave Cristina's side after what she had done for him. However, this wasn't the time to talk about it, some other time perhaps. Callie didn't need his story at the moment. She needed a friend who would listen and not judge.

Owen continued, "...you also had to bottle up your emotions so you could look after her. You probably weren't allowed to be angry or fight back while she recovered. I bet if you got angry she would descend on you from a great height. I bet you squashed your emotions so you could look after her. That's hard. It's inhuman not to become resentful under those conditions. Now that you two have split, all that anger and resentment is rising to surface and you're angry all the time, right? It's healthy in some way, but it won't be healthy forever. As you know anger causes a lot of stress on the body and leads to all kinds of nasty conditions, long term. At some point you will have to deal with all that rot underneath, or go on antidepressants. Antidepressants don't always help. Sometimes they just prolong the pain."

He nudged her, "I remember when you told me that nothing beats an amputation argument. That's a horrible experience for anyone. For someone as sensitive, caring and loving as you Callie, its even harder. You adore her, or at least you did. Your guilt, her blame...that's enough to change you. Have you ever taken the time to process it all? I bet you haven't. You've just been in caretaker and mother role, and now it has suddenly been removed, it's all crashing down on you at once, leaving you reeling. That is more than enough to deal with for anyone."

Callie was nodding. He had her attention. He continued, "as for therapy that's a matter for you. Maybe you don't need it. What you do need a friend to hear you out. Your bottling everything up and there's no release valve, so it's just random outbursts. I had some mates who acted the same way. Except in the army we talk to each other. All very macho chat, but it helps. We understand one another. It's easier to talk to other soldiers. You don't have to explain." Owen moved in closer and made sure Callie was looking at him. "Callie its like you and I are fellow soldiers in a way. We have similar enough experiences to understand each other."

Callie laughed softly, brushing him off, "Wow this is really deep for a Friday night. I'm sorry I'm probably depressing company."

Owen smiled, "I asked you what's wrong. No you're not depressing me but we should get out of here. It's late. People might think we're workaholics or something?" Callie laughed.

"Heaven forbid, thanks Owen, care to go out? I don't have Sofia tonight. She's at Arizona's and I could use the company and a drink, Joes?"

"Well my evening is now free, Emma cancelled. Her surgery has gone overtime and she wants to crash and meet me in the morning. Yeah let's go out. You can tell me all about your sordid life."

Callie smiled, "Deal, but only if you spill the beans on you and Emma."

...

Joes was fairly busy tonight, so Owen and Callie found a table outside. There was a courtyard out the back. Thanks to the smoking laws, there weren't that many people smoking, the air was crisp and clean. It was a cool night. They found a table and Owen went inside to get the first drinks. He came back out a minute later with a bottle of red wine and two wine glasses.

"So...life eh?" he asked as he poured himself and Callie a glass.

"Cheers," they both said and took a large gulp, after chinking glasses.

"Oh wow that's good," Callie picked up the bottle. "Nice! Californian Pinot Noir, 2008. You're pulling out the good stuff." She took another large gulp. "I needed this, thank you."

"No problem." Owen waited, he knew silence was probably the best approach. He took a sip. It was a good choice of wine. Callie looked up. She fiddled with her glass. Finally she spoke.

"Owen, this sucks, I don't know what to do. Arizona and I are always fighting. Lately its been me starting the arguments. She keeps trying to apologise but I don't want to hear her excuses. She's treated me horribly and it hurts. I never thought she would cheat. Things seemed to gradually improve between us last year and then that Boswell women flew in and destroyed my family, in the blink of an eye. Owen, people keep cheating on me. Is there something wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Callie. People cheat for different reasons. Its inexcusable and tough. Its hard to forgive, but there are often reasons behind it. I know you don't want to hear that, but I come from the other side. Did you know that I cheated on Christina once, when things were tough?" Owen asked. Owen decided to leave the rest of the story out. He didn't want to get into the story of her abortion. That probably wouldn't help matters.

"What! No I didn't. Why would you do that to Cristina? That's a horrible thing to do. Is that why she broke up with you? Did you know the woman? Sorry I shouldn't judge, but this comes as a shock. Christina is my friend, you know." Callie looked daggers at Owen.

"Callie, things are not always black and white. By the way everything we talk about tonight stays between us, okay? I know you're not a gossip, but some of this information would hurt Cristina, even though it was my mistake and I own it. She's a proud woman," Owen asked.

"Of course. Owen you don't even need to ask me that. Same for me by the way. What happened? Did you guys work things out or what? Did she forgive you?" Callie was frowning and looking up, trying to put the pieces together.

"Yes she did forgive me in the end. We spent a long time figuring it out. She needed to know every detail. It wasn't pleasant for me, but it was necessary for her."

"I never knew. Wow that's tough. You guys hid it well. I don't know if I can forgive Arizona though. I mean I can try, but I'm not sure," Callie said.

"Callie, the choice is yours. Arizona cheated on you. Whatever happens is now your choice. Forgive or don't forgive and move on. At the moment it seems like you are both in limbo. I can't say what is best for you. I can share a bottle of wine with you on this beautiful night," He grinned.

"Cheers!" they both said and had another gulp. They finished the glass and poured another.

"I do know one thing..," Owen said, "...you won't find peace until you make sense of this whole mess. If she is still willing to talk, you might ask her what was going on for her. Even if you think you know the answers, chances are you don't know everything. If you understand it might make it easier to make a choice?"

"Mmmh," Callie groaned. "I hate talking, yeah it probably would help but I'm talked out. All we seem to do is talk. There's no movement or action. You're right, I'm in limbo. I'll think about it. You know..." Callie moved closer, "It's a pity you and I never dated. We'd be good together," she said.

"Callie, we are both in love with other people. I am in love with Cristina, even though I'm trying to move on with Emma. You are still in love with Arizona that's why this hurts so much. Even though you don't want to admit it. So no, I don't think it would work, it would just ruin this beautiful friendship. Plus, you need a friend, not a lover," he smiled. "Thanks though, in another reality, you never know."

Callie laughed, "Way to turn me down, ruin a girl's dreams and mention an alternative universe, but yeah, you're right. I'm still in love with her and it majorly sucks."

"We can't choose who we love Cal, but we can choose what to do with it," Owen said.

"You suck."

"It's because I'm right."

"It sucks for Emma too, thanks for tonight, I had fun," she winked at him.

"Pleasure, and Emma and I can work, I really like her".

"_Sure_ it can! Next bottles on me".

...

They spent the rest of the evening drinking and talking about anything and everything. It was a good night. It was nice to share their stories. They really weren't that different. Mid-morning Owen rang Emma and they arranged lunch. It was the start of a good weekend. Albeit with a slight hangover. Sheesh that women could drink!


End file.
